Psst, hey wake-up, why are there no Oreos in your pantry?
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We have guests, go get the fancy cups.
[nail salon]
Excuse me, do you do filing here?
“Yes of course we do!”
Great! I need a good refund
*hands over tax forms*
Him: Can I have your number?
Me: *looks up from texting
I don’t have a phone.
Hostage: [screaming]
Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!
Me: [still trying to find the beginning of the tape on the roll]
WIFE: what’s the name of that girl you work with?
ME: which girl?
WIFE: the pretty one
ME: I feel like this is a trap
Me: A hundred years from now, who’ll care if I have a second piece of pie?
145 year old me: God, I’m fat
I just saved a ton of money by using my Pizza Hut points to order free pizza- earned from the ton of money I spent on previously ordered pizza.
Everyone’s gangster until they have to carry a leaking compost bag to the bin outside.
Welcome to parenthood. You’re about to spend an irrational amount of time convincing a sleepy person to go to sleep
kind of f***ed up that good girl is sexual but I can’t say good boy without feeling like i’m trying to play fetch with him
I JUST DRUNK 37 MONSTER ENERGYS AND NOW I CAN SMELL ABSTRACT LEGISLATIVE EUPHEMISMS
I can’t be the only one worried about where spiders go in winter.
Are you bored? Try something new! Draw a picture! Write a story! Strip naked, paint yourself green, and hide in a zucchini patch!
Jesus: my child, when there was only one set of footprints, Fred Flintstone was driving.
Haven’t lost a game of chess in twenty years, mainly because I haven’t played in that long or what have you.
Roses are red
Duracell is gold
Took your vibrator’s batteries
for my remote control
someone’s job on Star Trek TNG was sourcing ridiculous little cups and they were incredible at it
Pretty sure I know what my wife’s getting me for my birthday cause when I guessed, “A 3-way?” she got all angry like I ruined the surprise.
I have hidden my son’s socks in his sock drawer where he will never find them.
the phone rings. it’s you. it’s always you. i’ve run out of things to say…out of ways to tell you to stop calling. i can’t do this anymore. yet…i answer, knowing you’ll just say the same thing you always say, “i’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”
Neighbor: OMG your yard looks amazing
Me: thanks, I pee in it every Saturday night
“Ooh January’s been going on so long, when will it end?” Well now it has and what have we got? February. Well done you idiots
Very irritated daughter stomping all over the porch…
Me: What’s the problem?
Her: Dad asked me to bring him a Phillips screwdriver AND ALL WE HAVE ARE STANLEYS!!!!
[trying to make friends as an adult]
May I interest you in tolerating me for a moment
“Please, take me out to dinner!”
“I don’t date married women, sorry.”
“I’m your wife!”
“No exceptions!”
me: hey man you ready to go?
goku: hold on I gotta charge my phone
me:
goku: AHHHHHHHHHH
me: almost done?
goku: AHHHHHHHHHH
me: son of a-
[On the next episode of…]
A realistic Godzilla movie would be 2 cats defeating him by tripping him and purring on his legs while he’s trying to walk down a mountain.
It’s a myth that comedians stop being relevant after they turn 40. I managed it in my mid twenties.
What wine pairs best with concession stand popcorn? Asking for the thermos I’m taking to this high school football game.
Back in high school I never went for mean girls because I prefer them above average