15: Geez. You make me never want to have a girlfriend.
Me: Joke’s on you, bud, I make a lot of men decide they don’t want a girlfriend.
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grandpa: you kids don’t know how tough life was back when-
me: grandpa if you ate a single Flamin’ Hot Cheeto you would die immediately please check your tone
So I hear that you race cars, do you win many races?
No, the cars are much faster.
My mother-in-law talked non-stop while we watched Criminal Minds and now I have an idea for a cool new episode.
Do you sell bloodpants?
“Nope”
Shitpants?
“Nope”
Droolpants?
“Nope”
Sweatpants?
“Right this way…”
Meditation is fun when you want to do nothing for an hour but still feel a sense of accomplishment.
Survey: Are you a Democrat or a Republican?
Me: Labels are for soup cans
Survey: Can you tell us which way you’re leaning?
Me: Clam chowder
I’d never survive in Canada, it’s so cold so cold I’d ask random strangers to set me on fire
Ice cream guys gotta be furious about the moment food trucks are having. They spend hot summers driving around neighborhoods in search of a clientele with basically no money. Food trucks just drop anchor in an office park and suddenly everyone loses their shit for grilled cheese.
Omg. Why do I always look terrible when I leave the house.
*stays in bed until 4 minutes before I’m supposed to leave*
must be garbage day
* me scrolling the TL*
Wondering how long it’ll take for my boyfriend to realize every time he’s told me he loves me I’ve said I love YouTube
oh to be a cat surrounded by potatoes taking a nap using a carrot as a pillow
Cashier: And how are you today?
Me: Incandescent with rage. You?
Yesterday there was a sign in our building lobby saying that a possum was living in our trash cans. This morning the sign was gone.
Best case scenario: The possum relocated overnight.
Worst case scenario: The possum took down the sign itself
A bathroom scale that when you stand on it just says “Your body is but a point in space; your life, a differential of time.”
how it started vs how it ended
“Nope. Nope. Yeah right. Nope. Close! Nah. Nope. Almost! Hahaha, you’re terrible at this.” – piece of popcorn stuck between teeth.
[at Applebees on Christmas]
God: Your food good?
Jesus: Ya, it-
*a crowd of servers surrounds them*
Jesus: You didn’t…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y
My 12yo busted into our room with a Nerf gun. She made eye contact with her dad and really went for it. My husband was sitting with our 6yo. He immediately turned into a force field to protect her. I have so much respect for that man because I would’ve used our 6yo as a shield.
[having a little snack before bed]
Me: HONEY, WHERE IS THE OIL FOR THE DEEP FRYER?
In spite of what you might have heard, some pretty magical things happen behind dirty dumpsters in shady alleys.
Me: Is there alcohol in this?
Barista: … No ma’am.
Me: Can there be?
my wife came home from church and caught me and Gary trying her jeans on again .
My ex girlfriend has a tattoo of a shell on her inner thigh. If you put your ear to it you can smell the ocean.
Her hands were garlic breadsticks of action. Her face was a Cesar salad of expression.
“Nice” – first kangaroo to realise it had a pocket
him: hey have you ever seen house
her: house?
him: yeah like doctor house
me, walking by: [helpfully] it’s called a hospital
I’m at my most daredevil when I sneak in the break room & steal all the good chocolate filled donuts..
“WHAT ARE WE TO TELL THE CHILDREN ABOUT GAYS MARRYING?”
Dunno. I’ll ask my 5-year-old, who just married her stuffed bear to a stuffed pony.
Sometimes, I worship the devil, but only to disappoint my parents. I’m not really invested.