Me: Time for bed, son. I don’t make the rules.
6: OK. But who makes the rules?
Me:
6:
Both of us: Mom.
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A dad and his duck
Me: *hanging off a cliff*
Kids: Mom! Mom! Mom! Mom!
Me: Oh thank goodness! Kids, go get-
Kids: What’s for dinner?
Remember being young and having your whole life in front of you? Now my back hurts most days and I get unreasonably angry when a car engine is too loud.
Im not trying to brag or anything, but I just got invited to play Candy Crush on FB
*keeps applying antiperspirant until he can remember doing both armpits*
[my coffin lowering into the grave]
wait guys shouldn’t I be dead
[coffin starts lowering faster]
The pen can’t be mightier than the sword if actions speak louder than words. Someone needs to make their damn mind up here!
[christmas dinner]
me:
extended family member:
me:
extended family member:
me:
Therapist: You have passive aggressive issues.
Me (under my breath): says the woman who only listens to my troubles because I pay her.
Just had my nails done!
“Look we LOVE the script for ‘Murder Bees’, just change the name to ‘My Girl’ and you’ve got yourself a movie!!”
[Arguing with a guy over who’s tougher]
*takes toothpick from mouth* “When I started chewing this it was a full grown spruce.”
There’s been lots of “OH MY GOD!” screams coming from the room opposite mine; I just wish the couple in there didn’t pick now to be praying.
Hello? Yes, this is the chair store calling, are you sitting down? No? well
This is from an actual conversation 🤣🤣
Scientist: We don’t really know exactly how that happens. They’re performing electron microscopy, PCR, & tissue cultures to figure it out
Random person: Did you try searching the internet?
Him: Hi
Me: I bet you say that to all the girls
It was pouring rain. As I walked into the store, my feet slipped & I slid toward a random man walking out. He had a huge bag of pet food on his shoulder. The panicked look on his face as he tried to decide whether to drop the bag & grab me or NOT was a like a whole Russian novel.
I’m so lazy, if I got kidnapped I’d just think, “Well, this is where I live now.”
ME: I’ve been shot
MEDIC: put pressure on the wound
ME: ok, wound, are you saving for your child’s tuition because education is important
Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:
Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like
Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like
Gen Z = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like and don’t understand
If a tree falls on your ex in the woods and no one’s around to hear it, you should probably still get rid of the chainsaw.
video games are rated M for mature if they contain scenes of someone buying reading glasses or complaining about not getting enough fiber
When I was a kid I used to sneak into the racetrack. I was making a bet at the window and the lady said, “You’re not eighteen.” I said, “It’s for my dad,” and pointed out some old drunk. He waved. She said, “He looks wasted.” I said, “He is. Don’t make fun of my dad.”
Nothing like accidentally setting fire to your hair at work to make you feel alive
Texting my wife when we were dating – What are you wearing?
Texting my wife now – Did the dog poop?
One of my biggest fears during a zombie apocalypse is having to sleep without a fan
4: mama you’re a sweet tomato!
Me: Aw thank y-
4: because you’re round
Me: …
4: and plumpy
Me: go to your room
lost dog
My sister’s credit card information was stolen, so being a good sister, I called to see how she was doing and tell her what I purchased at Bloomingdales.
I was losing too many socks doing laundry so I started zip tying them together, now I’m losing them in pairs.