You’re erasing syllables to make the word shorter. I’m adding syllables to make the word longer. We are not the samerino
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Human: your name is Flipper
Dolphin: (angerly) uh ok, HAND
Doctor – “you’ve been bitten by a spider. Ever see that movie Spider-Man?”
Me – “no?”
Doctor – “and I’m afraid you never will. You’re dying”
New mom: any advice?
Mom 1: sleep when the baby sleeps
Mom 2: eat when the baby eats
Me (who has no children): check your email when the baby checks their email
[dollar store]
ME: how much are your dollars
CLERK: a dollar
ME: okay I’ll take one dollar
CLERK: that’ll be one dollar
ME: thanks
CLERK: have a nice day
[summons a demon]
demon: oh crap jury duty
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
MAN: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
MAN: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
dr pepper just lost her medical license. 😔 now she’s just ms pepper. 😂 bet you thought i was going to say mr pepper! 😒 no. ✋🛑 dr pepper has been a woman this whole time. 😜 unlearn your internal biases!👩⚕️ she lost her license for throwing a baby in the trash ⛹️♀️👶
When someone blows a kiss at me I karate chop it right in half.
Whenever I see a family and one child is trudging slightly behind everyone and crying, I want to lean in and whisper, “Someday you will write jokes.”
Ok, I’ve joined #Mastodon but also this
My first act as president will be an executive order requiring that all celebrity baby names be reviewed by a panel of sane people.
No one:
Me: “The word “Militia” just sounds like Sean Connery saying the name Melissa.”
Drove by a woman with her car broke down, I was going to stop and help until I remembered I don’t know anything about cars or women.
Its awkward touching hands with another man in a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man & he doesnt know youre eating his popcorn
There’s no easy way to steal a watermelon.
When Squidward and Donald Duck do it, it’s “adorable” but when I go outside without pants, it’s “misdemeanor indecent exposure” DOUBLE STANDARD
Wore my clip-on, flip-up sunglasses in my dating profile pic, because women don’t easily forget something like that.
me: Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice.
Beetlejuice: Hey!
me: Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice…
Another Beetlejuice: Hey! oh.
me: Beetlejuice…
Beetlejuices: please stop.
I GOT INTO HARVARD!! 😍🥳🥳🥳 they left a first-floor window unlocked and i’m just walking around in here!
I forgot the word “retainer” and called my son’s mouthpiece “braces: part 2.”
changed clouds to coulds and now the sky is full of possibilities
Ghost sightings are stupid. same with ufos and bigfoot. try spotting something people will actually believe. run into your buddy at the store
* Wins lottery
* Blows it all on a pack of decent razor blades
I’ve had like 6 red bulls, so of course I’m vacuuming the front yard.
Every person over 50, every Autumn: It sure is a pretty Fall this year, although not as pretty as last year.
Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.
ME: *whispering to date as symphony orchestra begins playing beethoven’s 5th* can you believe a dog wrote this
I passed a homeless guy who asked “Any change!?” I said “Nope, your still dirty and homeless”. We laughed and laughed and then he stabbed me