I opened wordle to play while waiting for the bus, and force of habit, I pulled my pants down cause I’m so used to playing it on the toilet
You Might Also Like
I wish this was real life…
[sunset]
Me: [skips chicken nugget across a pristine lake]
Me: Do you want to get dressed up for Thanksgiving dinner?
Husband: Sure! What should we wear?
Me: Shoes?
*drives motorized scooter into meeting I’m late for, around the conference table, and out the door*
The real reason Batman only comes out at night is because he’d get disastrous tanlines wearing that mask during the day.
I picked up & ate a huge piece of baklava at a coffee shop while standing at the register because I thought they were free samples. I chowed down on that thing in silence while the cashier just stared at me.
You can make so much more soup if you use your washing machine.
my doctor just told me I’ll never be able to play the xylophone ever again in his office
I wonder who pays the electric bill for the light at the end of the tunnel.
Baseball glove $150. Baseball bat $250.
Uniform $120.
Cleats $100.
Having my son quit in his first week of little league practice … priceless
Probably the worst part about being a snail is how you can’t put salt on your French fries.
According to the stores .I should be in a Halloween costume, sitting under a Christmas tree eating turkey . I’m so confused.
GUY ABOUT TO MURDER ME: What are you doing
ME: I’m naming you godfather to my kids. Now you get them if anything happens to me
GUY: DAMMIT
I hate how websites force you to prove you’re not a robot by making you solve some puzzle only a robot could solve.
I am so lucky that I can’t tell the difference between a heartfelt compliment and sarcastic disdain. Life is much easier when you’re dumb
(Halloween Party)
Friend: What’s your costume?
Me: I’m dressed as “A total disappointment”
Friend: But you always wear that
Me: Yeah.
[hugging mom at sister’s funeral]
“And you said I’d never be your favorite”
‘Pizza Hut, can I take your order?’
Me: ‘May I speak with the owl, please?’
‘Who?’
Me: ‘Hahaha, that never gets old! Large pepperoni.’
4yo: I had a dream about u mommy
Me: I feel so special
4yo: I flushed u down the toilet
every nextdoor post is like “i saw a car drive by my house without asking my permission first. do i call the fbi or the national guard?”
Wanna be like jesus, walk on a cucumber, its 98% water, so you’re 98% jesus
You know in the first “Austin Powers” when Dr. Evil tells the therapy group about his childhood? I can deliver that bit of dialog verbatim from memory.
Interviewer: Um…yes, well I’m not sure that would be particularly useful in a hospice facility.
if aliens came to earth and found out that there was a department called ‘human resources’ in every single business they’d be like “oh crap there are other aliens here already” and i think that is very smart of us
*unfurls blueprint*
Ok here’s how I’m gonna make tonight about me.
I bet when Hello Kitty finally grows up she’ll be called Hey Pussy.
In the lobby of an office building in Toronto. I guess to make sure employees are flooded with resentment the instant they walk in the door?
Him: I’m drowning in bills
Me: You should sign up for paperless
Movie Exec: Give me 3 realistic ideas or you’re fired
Me: A rat becomes a chef
Movie Exec: ok
Me: A dog plays basketball
Movie Exec: Good
Me: A main character has a bottom row locker at school
Movie Exec: Get out
[end of the night]*hand running through her hair, pulls out a lizard*
ME: no not again
*she unzips jacket, collapses into a pile of lizards*
Didn’t think the neighbors would notice the new bush, but this note asking me to wear pants suggests otherwise