I’ve found that women are never, impressed by what guys think will impress them. Also I just ran out of gas doing donuts in the parking lot
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O-mi-cron, Becky. Look at that variant.
It’s pretty funny that the kid voted most likely to succeed in high school just made my value meal.
I’m not a 10. I’m more like two 5s held together by cheese and chocolate.
I’m starting a merciful puzzle company that keeps the edge pieces separate from the middle pieces because it’s 2019 and we shouldn’t have to work so hard to be bored.
Sex with me is like bowling. Lots of drinking and cursing. Sticking your fingers in weird holes. You have to rent shoes.
Therapist: Are you a man or a mouse?
Mickey: Quite frankly, I was hoping you could tell me.
Mmmm. Shoeshi
Has anyone tried changing 2020 from dark mode back to light mode?
mmm onion ringos
Anthropic principle: the universe must be as it is in order for us to perceive it
Anthropomorphic principle: look, I’m a talking principle!
WHY *smack* DON’T *smack* YOU *smack* JUST *smack* USE *smack* THE *smack* RETWEET *smack* BUTTON?
Me: *closes Bible, takes long, hard look at neighbor’s ox*
Son, your mother and I looked at your browser history. Frankly, it’s not pretty. Do you for real need a walkthrough for Call Of Duty
I’VE BEEN SHOT. SEND HELP! I’M GOING DOWN. Wait. False alarm. The wire on my bra just snapped in half.
judge: 99 yrs
me: is it cos i called ur gavel a justice hammer?
judge: no that actually helped
me: killing then
judge: yeah the killing
I dont smoke, but still wanna take smoke breaks, so I go outside with everyone then just stand there with a lit birthday candle in my mouth.
Getting to know someone is a lot like making toast; don’t do it in the bathtub.
When people ask, “Don’t I know you from somewhere?”, I reply “Yes, we were best friends as children until you murdered my puppy.”
“Now, tilt your head and give me total scumbag!” – Realtor headshot photographer
3yo: Why do we have a room just for the toilet and the bath?
Me: So people can have privacy when they’re going to the bathroom or taking a shower.
3yo: Why would someone want that?
I think I’m beginning to understand the root of much of our disconnect.
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter
Witches were never burned in the South because it led to too many arguments over BBQ techniques.
You say “my ex is stuck under the back end of your vehicle” like its a bad thing.
I always chalk the pool cue as if it is going to make a difference
“Oh hello, I didn’t see you there!” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you
35+ crowd getting ready for the Teddy Riley vs Babyface battle
I’m hungry what’s for dinner I ask but there’s no one home except for the dog and he isn’t cooking so kibble and doggy biscuits it is.
Cher: Do you believe in life after love?
Me: *checks dictionary*
No.
if i was a character in a horror movie and something supernatural was happening i wouldn’t be scared because that stuff isn’t real