I learned all my flirting from lizards so I just do a bunch of really fast pushups when I see a cute lizard.
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[bar]
HER: wanna get outta here? *winks*
ME: hell ya
HER: whatya thinkin?
ME: lets go to my place and arm wrestle
HER: what?
ME: u scared?
*whispers to dog wearing a ‘working dog, do not pet’ vest*
psst what time does your shift end?
Can’t. The ex-girlfriend is making me take her to the movies.
Wife: I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME THAT!
Existing is a pretty remarkable achievement.
Snoop Dogg; Shake what’cha momma gave you.
Me; Ummm… ok.
<vigorously shakes a frozen lasagna>
a house doesn’t have to be haunted to scare me, I’ve seen the listing prices.
[stranded on Mars journal]
day 1: rob and I have enough oatmeal to last us 300 days
day 2: I ate rob
A spider built a web across a rarely used toilet in my basement so occasionally I’ll flush it for him so maybe he thinks he over a series of picturesque mountain rapids
I’ve been getting some anonymous fortune cookies from an angry American — and I think it’s time to give props for creativity…
me: what drink ya got there?
11: a smoothie I made
me: oh. What’s in it??
11: ummm Pears, juice, peanut butter, milk, cereal and hot sauce.
me: and you won’t eat a tomato.
Sweardle is the 4-letter expletive-only version of Wordle. I can’t help but think they’ve missed a trick, however, by not calling it Angry Words.
My aunt unfriended me on Facebook so I can guarantee you that I will bring it up and ruin Thanksgiving this year.
“Dude go make the first move on her!”
“Okay fine, but I’m not too sure what I’m doing.”
*approaches girl*
“Knight to f3”
What idiot made dessert forks smaller than dinner forks?
Good guy in movie shot 3 times: I must save my family
Me, kinda sore from trampoline sesh: sorry gramma can’t make it to your 85th bday
I’ve failed the “I am not a robot” captchas so often the robots have started including me in their World Domination chat rooms and bake sales.
Does anyone know where I can hire a pirate ship, a sturdy crew and a young boy who can read haunted treasure maps? The reason? It’s… for a podcast I’m doing.
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
date: your glasses make you look smart
me: well i had to fail a test to get them so
Absence makes the heart grow fonder, but my boss just gets mad when I don’t come to work 🙁
*Gwen Stefani as a girl selling $2 snacks in front of her house*
CUSTOMER: Do you have any $1 snacks?
GWEN: I ain’t no dollar snack girrrrrl!
Stop with the DiCaprio jokes. They’re getting old.
Good news: Your wit is really mind-blowing
Bad news: It’s not my mind that I want blown
Told my 11 and 8 next time I take their electronics away I’d also be responding to all texts they receive.They’ve been well behaved since.
[on the phone with wife]
Honey, who do you like better, Hulk Hogan or Jafar from Aladdin?
“Tell me why.”
[winks at tattoo artist] No reason.
“I shot the sheriff but I did not shoot the deputy” is my favorite lyric about murdering law enforcement officials in moderation.
In what he hoped would be his final attempt, Cupid opted this time to hit me with a grappling hook.
there’s no attractive way to chase a ping pong ball
Rise and shine, let us get back to normal life today 😂😂😂
I hope to be a cat in my next life so that I can make someone’s life more fulfilling without actually having to do anything for them.