*pronounces injury like lingerie*
You Might Also Like
Captain America: I got the alert, what’s the emergency?
Avengers: Well, it’s snowing, so…
CA [handing over shield]: Last time! Buy a sled!
Doctor: When he wakes from this coma, we don’t know if he’ll be the same or have brain damage
Me *opening eyes* gonna buy a duck and call it Dan Quackroyd
Doctor: Oh no
Wife: Oh shit he’s the same
If you feel hopeless about the world and your place in it, I can recommend something. Turn off all electronic devices, close your eyes, and sit still for 5 minutes. It won’t help, but now you’re 5 minutes closer to being dead and not having to worry about it.
stop
Mom watching Parasite: Turn it up, I can’t hear what they’re saying
Brother: They’re speaking Korean!
Mom: Shhh
I just want to put my hair in a cute little messy bun and not look like a sumo wrestler.
2yo niece: Auntie Pantie!
4yo nephew: Auntie Pantie!
Me: Haha, they’re so cute.
8yo daughter: Auntie Pantie!
Me: NO.
I bought a bag of M&M’s and they don’t have M’s anymore. They all have W’s… for woke
Why do people named Deborah go by “Deb” and never “bruh”
I can also cook 😂
I have an ungodly amount of Taco Bell hot sauce packets for being a grown woman who’s nutritionally responsible for two children.
Theres a dating website for people that believe the government is ran by lizard people so I really have no excuse for being single
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
Cops don’t like it when you ask them “Need some help?” especially when you’re wearing a Batman costume.
You can always count on me to bring my famous recipe of “bag of ice” to your summer cookout.
Popped out a tiny human today so thats neat
Looking for a plus one for my wedding.
Trump getting elected after Obama was not what they meant by Orange is the New Black
Me: You’ll never take me alive.
Executioner: Yeah that wouldn’t make sense.
rich people: i’m on a list?
lawyer: yes
rich people: forbes?
lawyer: no
[waits until purge night to illegally download music]
The only way I’d want to watch a video of you pouring a bucket of ice water over your head is if you promise you drown at the end.
Happy Earth Day. You don’t look a day over 4,400,000,000 and get hotter every year.
I wanna jam you like a set of salad tongs in a kitchen drawer.
“911 what’s your emergency?” MY WIFE IS BEATING MY KIDS! “Okay. I’ll send the police” *hangs up. OH CRAP I FORGOT TO SAY “AT MARIOKART”
I’m following around cop cars all day to let them know how it feels.
The worst part of seeing my grandfather get run over while crossing the street is knowing that I have failed this driving exam
[girlfriend sleeping over for the first time]
HER: This is nice.
ME: You need to move to the couch. My dog sleeps on that side.
Produce is too expensive. Do you have any amateur duce?
My favorite thing about people singing happy birthday in a restaurant is when they stop.