An 8 year old just asked me why people in electric cars don’t get electrocuted when it rains and now we’re checking Google
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Teachers at the pre-school ask why I’m in a good mood in the morning…
I’m like, “Duh…did you not see me just leave my kids with you?”
Being a Zombie doesn’t sound that bad. You don’t have a job and your entire day is spent looking for things to eat. Shit, I do that now.
I really would love to see two mimes arguing
If the cat climbs into a house guest’s lap, I like to freeze and whisper, “Are you feeling okay? She only does that with those who are dying.”
Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
I hate to brag but I’ve had numerous women fake their own death to get out of a relationship with me.
All the king’s horses and men stand over Humpty. Puzzled, they go back to reading the IKEA instructions.
I don’t care what nutritionists tell you- tortilla chips ARE a meal. It has everything your body needs:
1.) Tortilla chips
Couldn’t remember the word ‘ostrich’ earlier so I called it a giraffe chicken.
Your stomach probably thinks all potatoes are mashed
Video Games in the 80s: Run! Jump! Eat this flower! Collect the coins!
Video Games Now: You are a broken man, haunted by the choices you’ve made. You do not fear the sweet embrace of death, but you still have unfinished business.
TOP PLACES TO DO KARATE IN FRONT OF:
1. Sunset
2. Crashing waves
3. Dad’s grave (as casket is lowered)
4. New stepdad’s face
5. Quiznos
Nervous around the person you like? Sue them. They’ll be forced to see you in court, well dressed & in control. Let the law be your wingman.
From a friend in the Nat’l lPark Service. They’ve thought this through.
M: Twitter has helped me tremendously as a writer, as it demands tightness and brevity.
Friend: What do you write?
M: Oh, only tweets now.
I caught a wild peeve, but it’s always bothered me when people make pets of things so I let it go.
My 5 year plan is to get an amp for my bass. That fish sure does love his energy drinks
*sees a ghost*
omg dont haunt me please i dont wana b scared
“dude i literaly experienced the horors of death so maybe this isnt about you”
Wife: There is something wrong with you
Me: What a thing to say just before our dog’s first salsa lesson
Working from home is fun because a tiny version of myself is dancing in their underwear next to me as I try to maintain a straight face during a meeting
rt if you’d call your friend just to tell them that potatoes came to japan in 1600
I lost 7 followers today.
It’s nice to know some people are finally reading my tweets
I showed my kids how to use encyclopedias. I stacked four of them to reach something on the top shelf.
I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.
American government is of the people, by the people and for the people. Which begs the question: what is wrong with you people?
It’s a gift
HER: [being led out in cuffs]
HIM: “Why is she being arrested?”
COP: “Fraud.”
HIM: “I don’t understand.”
COP: “She was faking it, sir.”
HER: “I’m so sorry, Stan.”
I don’t like calling zombies “the undead”. I think they’d prefer to be known as the nearly departed.
the coronavirus really making people awaken their inner “A guy bought 20 watermelons” from those math problems
[Prison visit]
Me: I finally have a date for my execution
GF: WHO IS SHE