Caesar: You will be forced to fight to the death
Gladiator: Hell yeah
Madiator: well this is bullshit
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Simple
Usually takes me two or three tries to correctly aim the remote at the TV, if anyone was thinking of challenging me to a duel.
I’m a staunch supporter of something, I’m not sure what that is, yet. I just wanted to be staunch today.
I just won $50 on a scratch off! Guess y’all know who’s splurging on the whole cashews next grocery trip.
*Flirting before having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of my naked body]*Flirting after having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of our bed with freshly changed sheets]
Hope to get one dose of Pfizer and one dose of Moderna and just let them fight it out in my body
if the aliens landed today I would be like 5% surprised
Date: Are you winking or blinking?
Cyclops: I do not know.
Me: sorry I can’t go to the farmer’s market with you. Allergies.
Friend: pollen?
Me: hipsters.
Watching your childhood favorites as an adult really makes you wonder, “What the hell were my parents thinking?”
Nice try girl with a great job and is mentally stable…
Hello crazy chick with anger issues and a knife collection.
Mermaids are a lot less sexy when their top half’s the fish part.
Has a coffee at 3:26 so I’m wide awake before the birds start their shit at 4:00.
I once read the words “You have bewitched me body and soul” but your eggplant emoji is nice too.
My daughter came downstairs an hour earlier than normal this morning and caught me hiding eggs. I had no choice but to tell her the truth: I woke up early to steal the candy that the Easter Bunny had left her.
As a project I’ve started making my own coffin. Should I be concerned that my wife keeps asking how soon I can have it ready?
JUDGE: You’re going to a maximum-security prison.
ME: Good, that makes me feel safe.
omg the traffic lights are red and green for Christmas 🥺
you can be anything when you grow up. For instance i am very tired
I think I am adventurous until I have to follow a detour or park in a tight lot
I think we’ve officially regressed back to medieval peasants. All we do is bake bread, revolt, and avoid plagues
{Signing up for anything}
THEM: And what is the best way to contact you?
ME: The best way?
THEM: Yes, the way you prefer.
ME: Oh then the way I prefer is that you do not contact me.
recipe: 1/4 cup fresh cilantro
cilantro at the store: here’s a bouquet. i’ll be rotten tomorrow
the dark web is just a goth google.
Sorry, your invitation got lost in the trash.
Instead of asking “Are you still watching?” Netflix just said “Hey, pace yourself, we’re almost out of shows.”
Have you ever accidentally ended a business call with “I love you?” Oh yeah me neither.
Bugs Bunny taught me my choices aren’t limited to fight or flight, I can also pretend I’m a pretty lady.
A comma is just a period with a mullet.