Me: why don’t you go and play with Jack?
3yo: no, I like playing with myself
Me: er, by, you like playing BY yourself…
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Noah: A boat?
God: Yes.
Noah: Two of every animal?
God: Yes.
Noah: I have a better idea.
God: What.
Noah: Maybe don’t kill everyone.
I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.
[after recapturing an escaped convict]
sheriff: “congratulations on your absquatulation from prison but its time to go back to the slammer”
convict:
deputy *feels for a pulse*: “sheriff, hes absquatulated!”
sheriff: “we really need separate Word of the Day calendars”
Me, today: don’t text and drive
Me, in 1999: *driving and flipping through a 96 disc binder looking for deftones*
wait.
Do you ever wake up, kiss the person sleeping beside you and feel glad to be alive?
I just did and I won’t be allowed on this airline again
I ain’t typing “X” into the URL bar my wife is right behind me
Strawberry is a terrible name. “Ooh, a berry with all the flavor of a straw,” you’d think. But you’d be wrong
Your daughter seems to have nice boyfriends. They all seem to be involved in community service.
Sure sex is great but have you pulled a sticker off something in one go?
Our movers are finally here and I’m realizing my husband labeled boxes like “books, prob.”
YUCKING OTHER PEOPLE’S YUM IS VERY UNBECOMING
All units be on the lookout, suspect is armed with hunky shoulders, soft eyes and dreamboat hair. I don’t even remember what he did anymore.
[Clinic waiting room]
Me: WHEN DO WE DO BUTT STUFF??!
Nurse: Sir don’t shout that!
Me: [whispering to old lady next to me] butt stuff. when?
Grease is my favourite movie about how smoking gets you a boyfriend.
Me: I hurt my shoulder.
Them: sports related injury?
Me: sports bra related injury.
Wait, I thought Ionic Bond was James’s nerdy little brother.
My 8yo just said she’s “lactose intelligent,” so hit her up with any pressing dairy questions.
Who do atheists pray to when figuring out their child’s online school schedule?
10: Dad, what’s the opposite of “discombobulated?”
Husband:
Me, yelling from the kitchen: You don’t know, do NOT say “combobulated!”
My mom said you have to love me and ask me out for Valentine’s Day
Just overheard two coworkers knocking Scooby Doo for its loose plot holes and I told them that they’ll “never get away with this” and they didn’t get it.
ME: [plucking chicken] Who lets their eyebrows get this bad?
One minute you’re 18 years old and in the mosh pit at a Black Sabbath concert and the next you’re ordering compression socks off of Amazon.
Marriage: an institution where having to slightly adjust your mirrors every time you get in your car puts you in a homicidal rage.
The thing about minigolf is you can only make the putt in 2 strokes or 16. There is no in between.
[hospital]
Me: how is he?
Her: he’s in the burn ward
Me: *tearing up* I’m an adult you can say H-E-double hockey sticks
Jokes on you, I still have a stockpile of toilet paper from the Mayan Calendar Apocalypse.
DOCTOR: a new study says the meds ur on cause hallucinations
ME: oh
LARGE MENACING CACTUS THAT FOLLOWS ME EVERYWHERE: was it peer reviewed?