Hi, childless people. I just meticulously peeled the skin off a pickle. Cuz the pickle was “bumpy.”
Enjoy your day. Not de-bumping pickles.
You Might Also Like
The vet said he can’t prescribe my imaginary horse anymore ketamine.
Exterminator: I can’t do anything about it.
Me: but I’m infested.
Exterminator: look! you’re the one who chose to have this many kids.
Burgers, she wrote.
– Angela Lansbury before she goes shopping.
WIFE: please come out of there so we can talk
ME: [from cardboard box] i’m sorry come out of where?
WIFE: [sigh] please exit the spacecraft
I hung out with a guy the other night and he said “all my friends know you as the girl I tease constantly” and I responded “oh shit that’s crazy my friends don’t know about you at all”
The Wizard of Oz (1939): A Kansas runaway discovers the psychedelic powers of blunt-force head trauma.
me: *nervously approaching printer* h-hey there little guy.. kinda in a rush to print something
my printer: *territorial printer noises*
Be the reason why you need two priests at your exorcism.
just found out that some people don’t double click the tongs before using them. wtf
Given that our animals have pockets I think we can agree that Australia is more evolved than the rest of the world.
The media be like here’s what you need to know about protecting your privacy online, subscribe to view article
ANCHOR: Now over to Mike for the weather.
ME: IT’S REALLY WEATHERY RIGHT NOW, CARL, WITH MORE WEATHER TO COME! THAT’S IT FOR THE WEATHER!
The proctologist told me to drop my pants so I did what any good listener from the 80s did
Wife: Yelling stranger danger hysterically was a bit much though
I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.
Principal: *pats me on the back at my graduation*
Me, who has never been burped: *burps for two full hours*
Cheer up.
These are too funny not to post 😂
Airbnb owner: Before you check out can you start the dishwasher, put on a load of laundry, do my taxes, and renovate the bathroom?
Me:
I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy.” Then I just wait at green lights until I feel better about myself.
Anti-Hero if Taylor Swift was in a SKA BAND @Skatunenetwork
[my future self comes back in time]
HIM: here’s every sports score for the next 20 years
ME: great, thanks for ruining the games for me
Just because you haven’t met the love of your life yet….yeah, no. I have nothing.
please stop making me feed my video game characters. i shouldn’t have the fact they are living better than me rubbed in my face like this.
When I was growing up I always loved making sandcastles with my grandmother, at least until mom started hiding the urn.
3-year-old: I pooped! I get a Popsicle!
Me: You’re potty trained now. You didn’t get a reward anymore.
3: *realizes growing up was a trap*
[Creation]
God: “Give them hair up their nose”
Angel: “Hair? But why?”
God: “To catch their snot”
Angel: “Snot?”
Sometimes I don’t delete negative instagram comments. I wait until they tally up some likes. Then I go see who liked the negative comment and block them. That way the person who left the negative comment did a service for me. They worked for me for free.
my favorite part of nascar is when I vomit all over my shirt and car after the race., desecrating the logos of the brands that enslave me
I just told my kids they’ll never beat me at the silent treatment and they fell for it. The last 10 minutes have been heaven.