[car wreck]
[hand reaches out]“Take my hand. I’m Chad Kroeger from the popular band Nickelback.”
[I let the flames slowly bake me alive]
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Having a teenager is fun because the voice in my head that questions everything I do now has a friend
Me: are you going to be a better listener?
Pause
5: maybe is the best I can do
[lumberjack interview]
BOSS: I’m gonna “axe” you a few questions. Haha do you get it?
ME: Yeah I “saw” that coming
BOSS: Ooo welcome aboard!
me: [walks into a darkened room of people holding hands around a table] what are you guys doing
psychic: *whispers* seance
me: ance
everybody’s a toughguy until they have to use a screwdriver overhead for two minutes
“Open Mike Night” sounded like a lot of fun until I realised I’d been invited to an autopsy.
Overheard 2 dad’s at the playground wondering if my kid was as creepy as me.
Joke’s on them. I don’t have kids.
When I say, “No problem,” I mean, “YOU REMEMBER THIS FAVOR FOREVER.”
ME: I was born a tree…
ALSO ME: …but I’ll dialog.
Asked my 11 y/o daughter if she was excited to be a teenager now that her older sister is 13 and she said, “No, I’m good. Teenagers always look like they want to murder someone.”
[2011, pakistan, seal team 6 enters the compound]
“chief, something has brought the boys to the yard”
bin laden [making a milkshake]: SHIT
The conversation w customer service has essentially been
“Hey yall said i violated the terms of service but i genuinely dont know what i did”
“You violated the terms of service :)”
“Aight but whatd i do”
“You violated the terms of service :)”
“Elaborate tho??”
*crickets*
Is being in two bands cool? Depends. If you’re a high schooler: yes. If you’re a lobster: no.
ME: this one time me and my friends went camping and-
DATE: “my friends and i”
ME: so this one time me and my friends and i went camping and
Hotel Security just knocked on my door to deliver a package. He asked for indentification. I showed him my book,with my name and face on it
At conference w/ teacher
Me:…what’s wrong with how 7yo spells states?
Teacher:(to 7yo) spell Ohio
7yo: Ohio, O-H-I-O, Ohio
Teacher: good, now spell Oklahoma
7yo: (sings) Oklahoma, O-K-L-A-H-O-M-A, Oklahoooooooma, YEAH!
Teacher:
Me: what? That’s how I learned it
#Dadlife
It’s almost as if they don’t know the first rule of carrying rolls of wrapping paper club is; always be prepared for a sword fight, officer.
Dad called and asked how my weekend was and I gave him the whole rundown but it was just a lead in for him to tell me that he dragged a dead body out of a lake
Great shoulder tattoo. I bet butterflies are really significant to you and have shaped you into the person you are today, right?
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
Toronto Police have found a head, hands, and a foot in a river. There are no theories yet but the hokey pokey has not been ruled out.
Taylor Swift tweeted a picture of her cat watching the Olympics and just as I suspected, Taylor’s bedroom looks like a giant doily.
Don’t even THINK about “honey”ing me if you’ve shrunk the damn kids…
Amazing how a fight can break out at the grocery store over something as simple as knocking over someone’s cart and demanding they fight you
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes; now I have Heinzsight.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but those single unmatched socks that have been on top of your dryer for years have a better chance of finding a mate than you do.
Never ask a woman her age,
Never ask a man His salary
and Never ask
The British Museum how they got so many artifacts.
My daughter found and ate my hidden chocolate and her reason was she thought they were for everyone.
That
Romeo: Juliet is the sun. Arise, fair sun, and kill the envious moon, who is already sick and pale with grief that thou, her maid, art far more fair than she.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: No.