Just found out that “Shake what your mama gave you” is considered extremely offensive to amoeba.
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I don’t think my Uber passengers understand how hard it is to do pretzels in a parking lot, but I can tell they’re having a good time by their screams.
So how do you stop eating the endless breadsticks at Olive Garden does the restaurant close or are you supposed to bring a spotter with you?
took a girl to starbucks because i forgot her name
*pats belly*
Stranger: Awww do you know what it is?
Me: Yes. Nachos.
I’m always fascinated when people in movies run from a madman and then hide and hold their breath. Sometimes I snort for air and get a little sweaty while reaching for a puzzle piece that’s juuuuust out of reach across the table.
While at Starbucks today I overheard a 20-something telling friends how she “only eats farm-to-table,” and has “never felt better.”
Please let the record state she was drinking a Frappuccino as she shared her secret to good health.
Anyone know where Frappuccinos are farmed?
I’m exhausted from imagining a clean house all day.
Her: I’m not wearing underwear
Me: good thing I brought extra
WARNING: Ham radios taste nothing like ham!
18 is TOO young to get married!
You can’t even buy booze at 18!
If you can’t buy booze, how the hell are you gonna make a marriage work?!?
I put my phone in airplane mode.
Worst. Transformer. Ever.
We’ve come full circle
If Satan ever loses his hair, there’ll be hell toupee
. 🧔🏻/ It’s
<) ) 🎹🎹🎹
/🧔🏻 9 o’clock
( (> 🎹🎹🎹
/🧔🏻/ On a Saturday
<) ) 🎹🎹🎹
/The regular crowd
👴🏻/ 👵🏽/ 👩🏻/ 👨🏽/
<) ) <) ) <) ) <) )
/ / / /Shuffles in
If by hot yoga you mean crawling around on the floor of my car in 90 degree weather looking for the sippy cup that rolled away then yes I do hot yoga
Aww you passed out, let’s see what you’ve got in your wallet, shall we?
My dad only says I love you on special occasions like birthdays, holidays, and competency hearings.
Remember mad cow disease?
Good times.
Exercise makes you look and feel better naked?
So does Tequila….
I’m chaperoning a graduation party tonight. I have lots of fun activities planned.
I hope they like monopoly.
The year is 2063 and you ask your grandson if you can venmo him. He tells you to just stick your finger in his ear. Cmon grandpa, nobody venmos anymore. Just stick your finger in my ear
Amidst a decrease in airfare prices, WestJet has hiked the cost of checked bags and Flair has added a new credit card fee. Thankfully, Air Canada has stepped up and is offering an additional 50% off of your legroom!
YUCKING OTHER PEOPLE’S YUM IS VERY UNBECOMING
Apparently, starting an impromptu game of leap frog with somebody bending over to tie their shoe is considered rude.
Church is boring.
you’d think someone in the room would’ve spoken up like “hey guys maybe it’s a bad idea to make one ring to rule them all”
If you watch Intervention backwards, it’s about a person partying hard after an awful family reunion.
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
SHERIFF 1: You’ve got updog on your shirt
SHERIFF 2: Not now. I have six holsters labeled A-F and only A, B, C, D, and F have a gun up them.
SHERIFF 1: What’s up holster E?
SHERIFF 2: It’s how you put fabric on couches