That moment the school calls because 15 was caught drinking at school and it’s still the same principal that had to call your parents.
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If you hold a warm baked potato it feels like you’re holding someone’s hand without having to touch anyone.
Hung out with some new people and after they left my girlfriend said, “…What if we had some kind of hand signal for when you should stop talking?”
The sun got the nerve to be out.
Don’t just stand there, DO SOMETHING
“Today’s your day off, Mama. You don’t have to do anything for me. I’ll do everything except drive.”
– my 4yo eating the breakfast I made him, wearing the clothes I picked out, and getting ready to go to the store to buy craft supplies for his big idea
Of course I can cook.
What kind of cereal would you like?
“What’s your favourite Pixar film?”
“Up, yours?”
“No need to be like that I was only asking”
Me: I lost 35 pounds today.
Wife: [sigh] Can you stop saying that every time you lose our oldest child?
*takes bite of cookie*
Aw man this is awful
*takes another bite*
Still bad. But I better eat the rest to see if it gets better
[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”
Tai Chi is so crazy because it’s like throwing a slow motion tantrum.
[at train station]
Cashier: May I help you?
Me (thumbing through a wad of Monopoly money): Yeah, I’d like to buy this place
Waiter: what can I get you?
Me: I’ll have what she’s having
Her: two divorces then please
ME: *being attacked by a werewolf*
ALL OF TWITTER: We don’t deserve dogs.
[closes book, slowly removes glasses, and thoughtfully cleans them with a small cloth] I honestly don’t think Waldo is in there
If human civilization had a narrator it would just be some guy repeating “Little did they know…” over and over and over.
When algebra teachers retire, how do they deal with the aftermath?
[Bruce Wayne enters Gotham Orphanage]
I’ll take your finest orphan.
“Sir, we can’t just give-”
Here’s $50mil.
“Do you like boy acrobats?”
Show up early for your interview. A day early. Lie motionless in a bush for twenty four hours. You got this.
Playing chicken with the confidence that you cannot lose 😁
Losing 😲
Clark Kent: How’s your lunch?
Bruce Wayne: This soup is great.
CK: don’t
BW: You could even say
CK: please don’t
BW: It’s Souper, man
Age is just a number….that now takes a really long time to scroll to.
Always getting threatened with “I’d do bad things to you”, never anything useful like, “I’d clean your kitchen” or “I’d do your laundry”
I didn’t want to overwhelm my kids with rules, so when they cross the road, they only have to look one way
Someone needs to invent an alarm clock that, if you hit snooze more than three times, will call in sick for you.
Sometimes I wish I was a mermaid. Maybe then HR would stop hassling me for wearing a seashell bra on casual Fridays.
Before therapy: I hate people
After therapy: I hate therapists
Wife: have you seen the kids?
Me: yeah [sips coffee] too much.
My 7 year old: *staring at my face*
Me: What is it, sweetie?
My 7 year old: Is my nose weird, too?
Kids are delightful.
I recently purchased some really good kitchen knives so now I have to stock up on bandaids because I clearly don’t know how to use really good kitchen knives.