People who make grand sweeping generalizations are all idiots
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it’s called dunkin donuts because hole foods was taken
“That’s herpes”
-my response anytime someone asks me to look at their rash.
Captain’s Log:
Day 1 —
Heavy storm shipwrecked us on an island. If we patch up the ship we can make it back to port. I’m confident in my crew that we can make it through this and get the S.S. Anger Management sea worthy again.Day 2 —
We killed Seamus.
I think my neighbor is trying to domesticate a coyote.
My 5 year old just hugged me and said, “Thank you for promising to sleep in my bed with me tonight, Mommy” and that’s why you don’t answer any questions before coffee in the morning
Warning:
This movie contains “Adult Themes” such as interest rates, bad knees, back pain, and excitement about going to bed early.
Me: *gazes into his eyes*
Him: *sweats*
M *winks*
H: I’m kinda uncomfortable
M: But this is love
H: It’s my job to fill liquor orders, ma’am
Always a metermaid never a meter
Aladdin is my favourite movie about lying to a girl to make her fall in love with you
[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED
Hey, remember that person you thought you couldn’t live without? Well look at you, living and shit.
“Welcome to the library, can I help you”
“Yeah I need you to make copies and and find the forms I need from this website and print them and also could I get a pen and an envelope”
“Shall I pick up your dry cleaning too?”
“Oh my gosh do you guys do that, that would be amazing”
Not me DoorDashing Taco Bell at 330am and messaging the driver “Please don’t ring the doorbell and wake people up. I don’t want to share.”
“If you gaze long into a bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.” – Philosophical soup kitchen chef
mom: how was the ballgame
me: they showed sex on tv
mom: what?
dad: he means the kiss cam
me: haha no *crossing out line in notebook* that’s for sure different than sex and I knew that
I feel the older I get the more I understand why deer run in front of cars.
ME: it’s like a dream come true
UNICORN [speaking German and wearing a purple leotard while smoking a giant cigar]: you better enjoy it pal we had to pull a lot of strings to make this happen
“I bought the biggest watermelon in the store!” —The person not cutting up the watermelon.
i want to try Dungeons and Dragons but you need more than 3 friends to even start?? that’s the hardest dungeon of all
Some of you make me glad your pics aren’t scratch and sniff.
Always the person who refuses to go to the wedding.
Never the bride.
[at a wine tasting]
Me: *sips and swishes*
Employee: Sir, you can’t drink inside the grocery store
If you go into a bar by yourself and ask for a water the bartender looks at you like you have leprosy.
Hi I’m making some changes in my life if you don’t hear from me you are one of them.
My mom asked me to pick her up from the airport. I know she raised me, but if I do this, we’re even.
You know you’ve outstayed your welcome when a British person asks “what time’s your train?”
I’m working on a movie about the life of Pennywise the clown after he quits killing kids to pursue a career in sticky notes called: Post-It
Sasquatch: *squinting* Nah, I still don’t believe that’s Kate.
i wanna be one of those basic girls that’s really good at making shark coochie boards or whatever. you know, these.