I wish I had half the determination and persistence of Adobe reader updater.
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“Oh my god Harvey, you have GOT to see this bathroom.”
[coffee shop]
*casually puts arm around wife*
*reaches up to Free Wifi sign with a pen*
*changes last “i” to an “e”, draws downward arrow*
Your “COEXIST” sticker inspired me to slip a Madagascar hissing cockroach through your car window at the mall. Peace.
Croatia-France sounds like a 19th century war to decide which cousin the crown prince is forced to marry.
At my funeral will you make sure the pallbearers say things like
“Wow, She’s so light.” and “Is she even in here?”
I once told a guy that I was really into physics so he surprised me with a copy of Stephen Hawking’s A Brief History of Time and that was the exact moment I remembered the word I was looking for was psychics.
What rank in the military do you need to get to before they let you be fat?
If she wants to be chased, she better steal my pizza or something
Karate Kid taught an entire generation that there is nothing that dedication, perseverance, and an illegal kick to the face can’t solve
Banned from IKEA again because I keep asking staff awkward questions about the shelf life of shelves.
Dishwasher: “I’m gonna see if they notice I’m not washing the dishes.”
Sink: “Good one.”
Finally, an instrument I can play!
My 4 year-old now hides from me in the bathroom so l can’t stop him from chewing his nails.
This really upsets me because that was my hiding spot.
Disgusting if literal: Liverpool
Hostage: [screaming]
Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!
Me: [still trying to find the beginning of the tape on the roll]
I made quiche, like a real grown-up. I feel like Tom Hanks in Castaway when he makes fire… I HAVE MADE QUICHE!
ME: what’s for dinner
KIDNAPPER: omg we let you go four hours ago
My toddler has discovered this new thing that makes her laugh uncontrollably and it’s watching her parents try to swat a fly
So rude of Ashton Kutcher to file divorce papers right before Demi Moore’s 150th birthday.
For my niece’s 7th birthday, I’m filling a pinata with a smaller pinata. When she breaks it open I’m gonna yell “Oh God! She was pregnant!”
As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I say unto myself I SHALL NEVER… USE APPLE MAPS AGAIN…
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”~History
The security camera at work has “too many instances” of me acting like a dinosaur on film. And “any amount” is “too many.” According to HR.
When I eat spaghetti I always check both ends of the noodle so I don’t accidentally kiss a dog.
Me: I won’t let anything control me!
My bladder: Lmao
before camouflage clothing was invented, people would just stand still and make tree noises.
FRIEND: and this is my pug
PUG: oink
ME: (thinkig to self) did that pug just say “oink”
[Job Interview]
How would you describe your time management skills?
Me: Can we talk about this later? I’m late for an appointment.
I sexually identify as a hand grenade
Me: Can I get you a drink?
Her: I don’t know. Can you?
Me: *checking wallet* No.