Iron: you’re always trying to turn me into something I’m not!
Blacksmith:
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Best movie gangster: The iceberg in Titanic
suspect: i ain’t talkin
cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]
suspect: can i have some
cop: cake is for talkers
me: spell “Fanshaw”
British person:
[first day as a buddhist] go ahead. name a person more patient than me. i’ll wait.
We’d been planning on using the $1.3 million from Jeopardy to buy a house, but now I’m thinking maybe I’ll just hold on to it for a year or two and then use it to buy Twitter
Wife: Why don’t you buy me flowers?
Me: I didn’t realise you sold them. Also why are you talking like a pirate?
I like in RPGs when you kill a wild animal and it has, like, $5 and a spoon on it for some reason
All I’m saying is, I’ve never seen my Ex and Satan in the same room together.
Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?
And the Lord said in the presence of a loading zone
[Taken Nemo]
*Clam phone rings*
Marliam Neeson: I have a particular set of gills. I don’t know who you are, but I will find Nemo.
Cause of death: Very rough shirt tag
[bar]
DOG: Pour me a double. This day can’t get any worse…
CAT BARTENDER: [slowly pushes drink off the bar]
Don’t know what this myth is about cell usage blowing up a gas pump. I’m filling my tank right now. See? It’s no big de
8: [gives dog good morning kisses]
wife: the dog gets good morning but not me? I gave you life!
8: the dog’s cute
me: everybody run
My high school girlfriend got “uses her kids as her facebook profile picture” fat.
Girl next to me had her bag on the seat, didn’t move it when I politely asked her to so I’ve sat on it…
“IT’S A BOY” I shouted, tears rolling down my face “I DON’T BELIEVE IT. A BOY!” It was at that moment I chose never to visit Thailand again.
I told my 12yr old she wasn’t allowed to make pancakes without supervision. So I come back and she’s making crepes.
me: you don’t listen to a thing I say, I’m leaving you
bf: haha I know right
I said we supposed to be saving our money.
Whenever I see a couple doing yard work, I like the one standing by the bags of dirt who looks like they can’t quite believe they are outdoors and can’t fathom how they’ve gotten caught up in this terrible thing.
Sometimes I just sit and admire the gray in my husband’s beard, how distinguished it’s becoming, and think “I DID THAT”
Is there a term for when you unlock your car but you get caught talking to a coworker in the parking lot and the car re-locks itself before you open the door but when you park at home and forget to lock it it stays unlocked?
I look after you all day, cook all your meals and clean the whole house, but dad builds one lego thing and he’s the hero?
Actually that lego is pretty impressive, and if I’m honest I didn’t clean the whole house
My trophies are a result of:
80% – pity
10% – friends who are kind
10% – random strangers whose fingers slip
7% – my superior math skills
When I’m bored, I part my hair down the middle and pretend I’m a Hanson brother
THE POPE: i always get roof and ceiling mixed up lol
MICHELANGELO: what
Perhaps the most promising opening in a textbook ever.
Looks like someone’s thrown Yoda through a window.