Why is it then when things are going well we say everything is “peachy”? What elevated the peach above all other fruits to define itself as all that is good? What did it do to deserve such an accolade?
I see you peach, and I’m watching
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Saying “sounds good” is probably the nicest way to abruptly end a conversation.
Don’t drive me crazy… unicycle me there. Show some originality, man!
(any scene in a movie in which more than one person appears)
DAD: You couldn’t do that now. Coronavirus.
“I don’t have to run faster than the bear. I just have to run faster than you,” I say to my hiking companion. It is Usain Bolt. A bear waves
A lot of people don’t realize that Donald Glover and Childish Gambino are actually Hannah Montana
Dating sites don’t work for everyone 👎
Surprise them all by pulling a sword on your maid of honor.
[bleeding out]
ER Doctor: do you know your blood type?
ME: I’ve never really thought about it TBH. As long as it has a good personality
Her: Did you find the restroom?
Me: Yes. Now we can do some doody free shopping LOL
when you burst out your jeans
and then eat human beings
you’re a werewolf
Guard dog? Service dog? Yeah, yeah…
When earth is invaded by evil aliens that look like pony tail holders, our cat will be a hero.
Asked my gf to buy me a 2-pack of socks and she came back with these wtf
My new SUV has a button that says
“Rear Wiper”.
I’m afraid to push it.
If I was a giraffe, I’d get a neck tattoo of the Empire State Building.
[bank heist]
leader: ok everyone put on your balaclavas
me: *looks down at box of freshly baked baklava* i think i’ve made a mistake
It’s weird that ‘coward’ doesn’t mean
“towards a cow”.*sips wine*
My identical twin is insufferable. He manages to look ten years younger than me due to a superior moisturising regimen. He’s really rubbing it in.
blood cell 1: want to tie the clot?
blood cell 2: of course baby
blood cell 3: coagulations guys!
her: *opening valentine’s day gift* are these abacus beads?
me: it’s the little things that count
[In meeting]
Boss: any comments?
Me: I wish I was drunk right now.
*gets up off bed*
*puts pants back on*
Oh…so you…you wanted ACTUAL tacos then?
Love that ‘beat the number’ electronic sign speed game!
So fun when the officer celebrates your high score with the lights & a certificate!
Woody: lol u guys! u guys. come hear this shit
Buzz:
Woody: say it again
Buzz: [sighs] to infinity and beyond
Mr. Potatohead: lmao “AnD bEyOnD” does he not understand what infinity means
[first day as a spelling bee judge]
Me: your word is Sarcasm
Him: can you use it in a sentence please?
Me: no, I’m a spelling bee judge but can’t use a word in a sentence
Made some terrible life choices the last few years.
Just kidding. I’m married and not allowed to make decisions.
There’s no-one who can get more drunk on power than the admin of a village Facebook group
COP: Anything you say can and will be used against you–
ME: Handcuff keys
COP (to his partner): Damn, this guy’s good
to the lifeguard saving me: how long can you hold your breath
I’m Scottish and Irish, so when I asked my grandparents for stories they’d just tell me about various family feuds.
I was brought up in the wild by hyenas.
Times were hard, food was scarce but we had some great laughs.