Making fun of someone’s age is like mocking them for getting hit by a train because you’re standing a little further down the tracks.
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As an exorcist, whenever I hear of some new poor soul possessed by a demon, all I can think is Ka-Ching!
kids are fun because the only time they stop eating is when you put effort into making meals for them
[jungle]
Detective: I’d like to ask you some questions about a recent jewel heist.
Ring-tailed lemur: This is profiling.
Just took an antibiotic and a probiotic and now my body will fight itself to the death!
After 2020 I’m never going to question why they keep opening up Jurassic Park despite obvious safety issues.
“My phone’s about to die.” -Me, 30 seconds into every phone call ….
streaming companies forgetting their entire existence is based on being slightly more convenient than piracy
Me: You’re adopted
Ted: What? How long have I been a dop
Coffee helps me remember….
Everybody’s name
My passwords
Sense of humour
Woods ❌
I mean wordsI never said it was easy.
“Name?”
Well, some people call me the space cowboy, some people call me the gangster of love, some people call me Maur…
“Sir, have you ever been tazzed at the DMV before.”
If I say “Bloody Mary” three times in the mirror in the dark I get a free drink, right?
I could never argue with evolution. No telling how many situations have had me ready to throw my own shit.
My child: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: “That’s impossible, they’re all running for president right now.”
i did a little research on why weekends are only two days long and it turns out people made that up. wtf people
Got kicked out of my motorcycle gang again for trying to sell essential oils
Jesus: *rises after three days*
God: (while reading newspaper) well look who decided to join us
Annual reminder.
If Christmas decorations were meant to go up in November then surely they’d be called novorations.
Parents who are afraid that giving teenagers condoms will just ensure they have sex to use them have obviously never owned a bread maker.
Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, a monkey, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.
*being chased by serial killer
Me: hold on I need to put on my Fitbit
Before I had kids I thought there were only three, maybe four places you could put stickers. I was wrong. So, so wrong.
(burglar breaks into my house)
me: Reginald, kill!
pet caterpillar: *scooch scooch scooch*
Did your date order honey for dinner? Did your date eat the waiter when he brought the honey? Is your date a bear? You are dating a bear.
Nobody looks that great in a mask but if you have gorgeous eyes and jacked-up teeth this could be your moment.
I’m tired of dating. The first person to show up at my apartment with a domesticated raccoon & a lasagna can have my hand in marriage or a friendly fist bump, if they prefer.
Yes, for the fifth time, I can hear you on this Zoom call! even though I don’t wanna!
People who forget to eat are amazing to me. I miss one meal and I’m burning bridges with immediate family members. I miss two that’s organ failure, total body and mind shutdown by the end of one calendar day
The trick to sneaking a mug full of vodka is to occasionally blow on it like it’s hot.
You can add “cha cha cha” to any sentence you want without explaining yourself. Nobody really appreciates this.
At the zoo, you have to drag me away from the otter pool. The promise of a soft pretzel usually does it.