I say “Hey man, I got your back.” He thanks me until he collapses from being spineless. I give his back to an infant. “Baby got back.” I say
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When your divorced parents are forced to sit together at your wedding.
Me: Don’t fall in love with me doll face. I’m no good for you; I’m bad news.
Her: No problem. Here’s your change. Pull up to the next window.
At a wedding where the minister told everyone to stand next to the person who makes life worth living. The bartender was almost trampled.
Sweetie if I was fake, I would pretend to be someone awesome and not a lonely weirdo.
I’m so talented I can not only spill food on my clothes but I can get it on yours too.
Me: intuitive eating is easy. It’s all about listening to your body
My body: I’m begging you…eat a vegetable….please
Me: what’s that? More cheese?
A guy in New York had a CVS receipt
stuck to his shoe.Luckily, a lady in Chicago saw it and
was kind enough to pull it off for him.
*checking email on my phone while shoveling handfuls of sea salt and cracked black pepper potato chips into my mouth
YESSSSS! Finally got my unread emails to 100.000! Weird how there’s three zeros after that decimal point but whateve…
Oh
Why don’t ants get sick?
Because they have antybodies
I’m thinking of a color between 1 and 10. Correct guessers get a lollipop.
Detective : Where were you on the night in question?
Me: Wut?
Detective: Don’t play dumb with us.
Her: Oh, he’s not playing.
Every time someone calls me an asshole, I stand up like I’m gonna do something about it. Then I just end up stretching while I wink at them.
“YOU’RE FAT.” – my belt
It’s amazing how fast the first 30 minutes of work just fly by when you show up a half hour late for work.
chicken run, though it depicts chickens, touches on a universal human truth. I don’t want to be a pie.
I yell “5 second rule”when ever a girl sits on the ground.
I just read an article about a man swept out to sea during a baptism. I guess that’s God’s Way of saying “Nope”.
FRIEND: haha she’s so cute—say it for him honey
HER TODDLER: the moon is cheeeeese
ME: well what have we here, a tiny liar
jason: may I tell u something?
me: anything baby.
jason: for the last year whenever u get drunk u start to make Pig Noises, u do it with a challenging look in ur eye, if I ask u about the Pig Noises u get offended and run away to the next room where u continue to oink softly
My transition into my mother is nearly complete, I just said, “I don’t care who started it, I’m stopping it!”
Whenever I tweet about my 3yo being challenging there’s ALWAYS someone who is like “my 3yo was not challenging at all, they were sweet and smart and perfect and it’s because I took them outside.” And I’m always like ohhhh sorry I keep mine in a box in the basement, can’t relate
Big thanks to everyone who bought us wedding china. I think about you every time we move.
Anything can be a flamethrower if you set it on fire and then throw it
Me: I look cute today.
Camera: No.
[first day as a cop]
MY PARTNER: oh shit, there’s a body in this house!
ME: yeah frank, there are bodies in all houses, that’s where people live
God: Any other requests?
Angel: Ooh! Do a cow in sunglasses, holding a cigarette!
God: No problem.
It takes an entire village’s coffee to raise a child
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
Her: Ugh. Don’t look at me. I’ve put on a little baby weight.
Me: DEAR GOD!! WHY ARE YOU EATING SO MANY BABIES!?