Wow. I got my first #ChatGPT-written paper for an undergrad assignment on positionality. This line was the tell: “I do not have a personal history, identity, or culture in the traditional sense because I am an artificial intelligence language model.” Ooof!
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The tooth fairy audits you if you have a gap between your teeth.
*train conductor after 15 minutes not moving* ladies and gentlemen you wouldn’t believe the amount of buttons im looking at right now
I work out just enough so I can still chase the ice cream truck.
My wife took our kids to the aquarium the other day and then our 5yo asked me if one weekend I could “take us to outer space”
TRICERATOPS: I have three horns
QUINCEANERATOPS [proudly]: I’m fifteen
Pal: I thought you weren’t supposed to eat for an hour after taking that medicine.
Me: Grapes aren’t food. They’re itty bitty water balloons.
I bet nobody noticed Superman flying around at first, so Clark just started pointing out every bird and plane until it caught on
can we normalize arguing with little kids they’re so rude 😭
Wife: Let’s watch Netflix.
Me: Ok. [starts movie]
Wife: [sleeping]
Me [pausing]: OMG we are two seconds into it.
Wife: What?
Me: You’re sleeping.
Wife: I’m not sleeping. Press Play.
Me: [presses Play]
Wife: [sleeping]
A mosquito fell into my beer five minutes ago and now he’s naked and calling his ex-girlfriends and drinking my beer
Drove my Chevrolet to the levrolet but the levrolet was dry.
– an early draft
I hate when I’m cleaning my house and accidentally watch three seasons of a show.
I gave my 12yo a punishment and she asked if I could pick a different punishment, thereby demonstrating that she does not, in fact, grasp the concept of a punishment.
The only way Congress will ever pass common sense gun control is if they’re threatened at gunpoint
Twitter has ruined me.
Just wrote “we’ll deliver your load on time” for a transportation client and broke into peals of laughter.
Me <in a meeting, whispers>: I don’t really like Gary.
Gary: I’m Gary.
Me: I know.
Local community Facebook pages are like:
“When is garden bin collection day?”
– “Ours is this Friday, but I don’t live in your area”
– – “This Friday is my daughter Leslie’s birthday”
FIREMAN: this blaze is out of control
ME: sometimes you gotta fight fire with fire
F: what? No
M: *already brandishing a flamethrower*
yes, I did pass these out on my last family vacation.
Just witnessed a home depot walk of shame (guy taking his purchase back in because it wouldn’t fit in his car)
“What?”
– Jude
My toddler is pretty particular about the brand of chicken nuggets I offer her for somebody who just ate a crayon.
For someone, somewhere, today is the last day they will have 10 fingers.
Ever look up at a star and wonder if someone else in the world is outside, staring at that same star while waiting for their french bread pizza to cook?
Me: Babe, can you zip this for me?
Him: That’s an inflatable sumo suit.
Me: I’m flying United today.
Him: Don’t forget your helmet.
[ER]
Doctor: How did you sprain your ankle?Me: I rolled it during a marathon.
Doctor: That’s really impressive.
Husband: She tripped trying to beat a family to a food truck.
People with stick figure families on their car: Oh look how cute we are!
Criminals: I’ll need 3 rolls of duct tape.
[Garden of Eden]
Adam: [petting the first dog] I’m gonna call you Man’s best friend
Eve: I thought I was your best friend?
Adam: I love you
Eve: aww I love you too
Adam: oh…I was still talking to the dog
Nobody in this meeting knows I have a McChicken in my pocket.