robber: me n Lenny will handle this job tonight, obviously you’re gonna be lookout again…sorry Joe
giraffe: this is bullshit Steve
You Might Also Like
You see two puppies.
“Awwwww!”
But they’re cannibal puppies!
“Ahhhhhhh!”
One puppy eats the other!
“Ewwwww!”
Then he takes a nap.
“Awwwww!”
[creation of snakes]
GOD: What happened here?
ANGEL: You said make them armless…
GOD: Harmless!
ANGEL: Ohhh
SNAKE: YOU IDIOTS!
HIM: I’m sorry I spilled my drink, I ruined your jacket.
FIRST GUY TO WEAR A REVERSIBLE JACKET: *Trying very hard to contain excitement* Actually, you didn’t.
Booked an escape room but just to get away from everyone… no plans of escaping, they’re gonna have to kick me out
According to WebMD, given my symptoms, I died 9 years ago.
We went to Sam’s today to stock up on essentials. When the cashier said, “That’ll be $301.42.” My son whispered, “Jesus, Mary, and Joseph.”
And that’s when I knew all that Catholic school was paying off.
The actors are getting so old in the Fast and Furious franchise, the next movie will be them stuck in a grocery store parking lot
If you’re about to be attacked by a werewolf, loudly say “WHO’S GETTING A BATH? SOMEBODY’S GONNA GET A BATH!” and he’ll run away and hide.
someone is getting married down the street from me and their wedding geofilter works at my house
Finished christmas shopping for my entire family.
*walks out of pharmacy*
I made a recipe that called for aubergines. The grocery store didn’t have any so I substituted eggplants.
Drive it like you stole it, by driving cautiously and observing all applicable traffic laws to avoid further incidents so as to not attract unwanted scrutiny.
Interpretive dance is the best way to answer stupid questions.
I apply an inordinate amount of baby oil for someone who is not a bodybuilder.
how do we expect our kids to learn from our mistakes when we’re still out there buying too many bananas just like our parents did
Christmas was ruined for me when my dad dressed up like Santa, got stuck in the chimney and his body blocked the real Santa from getting in
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe marriage should be between a person who hates pickles and another person who will eat that pickle.
I feel pretty smart until I realize the wild ducks I’m surprised by on my neighbor’s lawn are metal lawn ornaments he’s had for 5 years.
me: i lost my luggage.
airport worker: did you carry on?
me: *sigh* how can i?
Absolutely delighted that our new Baggage Handling facilities are cutting waiting times.
why tf did we learn state capitals?? when has anyone ever “topeka is the capital of kansas”’d their way out of a real problem
4: Mommy hear me count to 10,000
Me:
Sorry just got your text. Do you still need to go to the hospital?
The date didn’t go well but she was nice enough to send a PDF of everything I did wrong afterwards.
It costs nothing to be kind. But then again, it costs nothing to be a sociopath. So you see my dilemma.
You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?
The average Apple employee works 6 hours longer a day than an Apple battery.
*at a rave*
“EXCUSE ME MISS, WOULD YOU LIKE TO DANCE?”
*45 minutes later*
“THIS IS A LONG SONG”
Me: “Did it hurt when you fell from heaven?”
Her:
Me: “I SAID, DID IT HUR-”
Medic: “Step aside sir”
they advertised mcmuffins for only a buck