*pulls away from kissing*
Me: Please insert 2oz of cheese to continue.
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Why human bake at 86 degrees but chicken bake at 425
me: my night terrors are getting worse
therapist: anything you can change about your night-time routine?
[flashback to eating a wheel of mature cheddar in bed every night]
m: *shaking my head* nope, not a damn thing
her: the limit on tacos is 6 per person, sir
me: can i get 7
her: no
me: 8
her: no
me: 9
her: no
me: 10
her: you can’t do this forever
me: are you even familiar with numbers
her: yes?
me: 11
*first day as a getaway driver*
Me: Hey does anybody want anything from the drive-through?
I AM NOT REALLY YELLING AT YOU I JUST GOT USED TO TALKING TO MY TEENAGER WHO ALWAYS HAS HEADPHONES IN
The cardboard crowds are getting a little Rowdy at the game.
If cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want.
Protip: If you refer to yourself as “someone” when explaining something bad that happened, your wife will always know that “someone” is you.
Him: Are you always this socially awkward?
Me: Only when I’m in my human form.
Him: So always.
me: so the wife and I started running the dishwasher in the morning instead of at night and it’s had a real positive impact on our days, for example-
officer writing ticket: i’ll let you go if you just please stop talking
Me: *eating a cinnamon roll*
3yo: Mommy, I want you to share like a good girl. Sharing is a good thing. *proceeds to take a bite of my food*
🤭😂
noooo that’s my emotional support 8,000 screenshots i haven’t looked at since taking
Me to my husband: Would you like to bring a third into our love making? [my googly eyed hand puppet slides into view]
Darth Vader: Luke
Luke: ya
Darth Vader: [heavy breathing] I am your father
Luke: um ok
Darth Vader: Also I’m vegan
Luke: NNNNNOOOOOOOOO
literally so stressful to bag your own groceries in front of a trader joes employee. like playing basketball in front of lebron. please can you scan slower. i’m sweaty and i am getting scared
The way this kid screams and cries I’m shocked the parents are willing to pay so much to get it back.
I’m sorry that you guys asked for this but the answer is yes, you would.
Please don’t ask me to repeat myself I wasn’t listening either
I’m the Usain Bolt of running late
when im eating a salad and some leaf stems are sticking out of my mouth i feel like a brontosaurus
*Dressing up like a School Lice Outbreak Notice for Halloween*
I like to confuse my husband. So I smiled at him this morning.
It’s kinda fucked up that when a horse wins a race the person who gets all the money is the guy that was just sitting the whole time. The prize shouldn’t be $10,000 it should be like five hundred apples.
“They’re like a sponge at this age” I say to the parents of the baby I’m using to scrub dishes with.
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: *turns on garbage disposal*
Her: *starts talking to me*
Me: I pull a sword from my forehead
Nerd: Not realistic
M: so dungeons and dragons are real?
N: …
M: so, I pull a sword from my forehead
If Ticketmaster had an outlet store, it would be called the $500 Dollar Tree.
WIFE: I’m leaving you
CARL (my personal sound effects guy): *makes sad trombone sound*
ME: Is it because of-
WIFE: yes it’s because of Carl