Every Crock-Pot recipe:
– throw in anything you have left in the house
– cook three to eleven hours.
You Might Also Like
“We need something strong and durable to protect cellphones from damage”
LG: Plastic?
Samsung: Metal?
iPhone 8: What about Glass?
Caught my uncle checking his phone mid way through the rosary and I absolutely squealed on him (for context I’m 41 and a guest in their home).
Nana to 3: “I love you! Who loves ya?!”
3 to Nana: “Nana!”
Nana to 3: “That’s right! Who loves Nana?”
3 to Nana: “Nobody!!!”Never been more impressed in my life.
“I wasn’t that drunk…”
“Dude, you were driving your truck around the Walmart parking lot trying to find your truck.”
Read It and Weep: A Book on How to Cry
Alexa, set the neighbor’s fire alarms for 3am.
I’m meeting a man I really like for drinks. If I play my cards right, he’ll be deleting my number in a few hours.
“Let’s run the bell commercial we’ve been playing for the past 17 years and take the month of December off” – The Hershey Kisses Marketing Team
I was worried that Tim Kaine was too boring and then I remembered entertainment is what got us into this mess.
If the final episode of Game of Thrones doesn’t feature a group hug with everyone singing “Kumbaya,” then I don’t know what I’m talking about.
My favorite type of women put their jeans on in this way; left leg, right leg, wiggle wiggle jump jump.
[zombie wedding]
Groom: *lifts veil*
Bride: That was my face.
Groom: *lowers face*
My lighter has 2 options:
1. Nope
2. Flamethrower
Dear Fox news,
I have yet to see any news about foxes.
Sincerely,
disappointed viewer.
doctor who has a passion for magic, during a colonoscopy: is this your card?
[normal life]
ive worn the same shirt everyday for a week
[packing for vacation]
hmmm. i’ll prob change a few times a day so thats…32 shirts
channeling her this year
My credit score is a family of raccoons hissing over a McRib.
I’ll write I’ll write I’ll write.
one pride i got into an uber wearing a pride flag as a dress & the driver immediately put on christian radio. i started singing along bc i knew the song from childhood & ive never seen a more confused man in my life
*3 running a brush through my hair*
3: I’m making your hair pretty
Me: Thank you
3: instead of so ugly
Me:
My kid was asked to write about a favorite family vacation at school and she decided to write about the time she watched her favorite youtube family go to Hawaii.
My husband’s favorite place to stand is right in front of whatever cabinet I need.
All is fair in drunk and war.
THERAPIST: As a young boy, did your mother ever treat you badly?
ME: As far as I know *pauses to think* my mother was never a young boy
Am I a bad navigator? Well off course
“My wife’s just made me breakfast using the hot bread cooky thing.”
“Toaster?”
“Ladies and gentlemen, to my wife!”
“Get out”.
Me: Be good and I’ll give you a Fudgsicle
4-year-old: Give me a Fudgsicle or I’ll be bad
Positive reinforcement is no match for blackmail.
you should basically never start working until at least 10:30am. you should also start wrapping things up for the day around 3pm. and we musn’t forget about the traditional hour lunch.
them: can i call you? It’s really difficult to convey in a chat msg
me: try harder.