NASA has no chill
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Welcome to your 40’s. You now choose restaurants based on how much back support their seating offers
My wife traumatically ripped the blankets off me last night. But I will recover.
daughter: what if the easter bunny actually is a huge rabbit
me: heh what else could it be
daughter: [leaves]
me: [alone w my thoughts] what else could it be
Coffee helps me remember….
Everybody’s name
My passwords
Sense of humour
Woods ❌
I mean wordsI never said it was easy.
Wait, wait, wait. Don’t I get three wishes?
Cop: Ma’am, that’s not how this works.
I overheard 16 tell 12 to come wish me a Happy Mother’s Day. Her response, “I’ve been doing it for 11 years, I think I deserve a break.”
So….guess who has dishes duty today!? And I’m going to use EVERY damn cup, plate and silverware in this house.
I just drank all of the Christmas presents I bought for everyone
Taking bets on how long my kid will proudly trip over the pillowcase she’s wearing because pants weren’t “fluffy enough” this morning
How many light bulbs does it take to change people?
me: man, this is great! I only wish I’d taken up deadlifting sooner
Funeral Home Director: please leave.
All I want is a tall, handsome guy with the wit of Deadpool who loves me like Westley, has moves like Antonio Banderas -in anything- the intellect of Sherlock, and the courage of a Viking.
An accent would be a bonus.I really don’t think that’s too much to ask.
Dongle sounds like just one more thing in Australia that will kill you.
I went to Lowe’s to buy a human-sized microwave & the guy loudly said they don’t exist & then took me to a back room & they had lots of them
A woman at my bar was talking about how she has hard time meeting men and I told her to just start conversations with people. A guy comes in and sits next to her and she turns to him and goes “where were you during 9/11?”
When reading a friend’s work, always remember, it’s helpful to give brutally honest notes, especially if you have too many friends.
I’m starting a frequently terrible drycleaner called autopleat
If you call me hysterical, you better mean funny cuz I keep my knives sharp.
Wife: *slicing an apple* Would you like some?
Me: Why would I want to eat raw pie?
Who knew a midlife crisis could have so few convertibles and so many cats?
Of course my kids are well mannered because when I tell them things like get ready for bed, they politely ask me “Did mommy say that?”
“Oh, I get it!”
– Me, when I didn’t get it.
Get ahead at the office by taking work home with you over the weekend. No need to work on it just make sure people see you take it home…
I don’t usually complain about the way people decorate their cubicles Tina but you should know my entire family was killed by a dachshund.
Bachelor party photos will always come back to haunt you.
i was going to get married, but
my wife refuses to sign the
divorce papers
i’ve been kidnapped and quickly released easily 6 dozen times
This is joyous. Go to any YouTube video. Pause it. Click anywhere outside the video and then type 1980. Now defend yourself.
I hate when I grab a live wire and everyone sees my damn skeleton
At McDonalds looking at the menu through opera binoculars.