Me: How was school?
9-year-old: We practiced emergency bus evacuations.
Me: Was it fun?
9: No. They stopped the bus first.
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[before Toto]
Rain down in Africa: *sneezes*
[I kneel down, pick up some dirt and let it run through my hand]
uh huh….
[I lick my finger and stick it in the air] hmm….
[I run my knuckles over some moss on a nearby tree]
unless i’m mistaken, it would seem that i’m outside
My 4-year-old poked my gut and remarked, “Daddy, there’s a baby in there…?”
That was last night and I still haven’t recovered
“I love potatoes! They are delicious and so versatile. If only they could get me laid…”
-how vodka was born
These golfers behind me keep yelling, “Take your shot!” but they haven’t poured me any tequila.
Why does toothpaste drop off your toothbrush so easily but then turn into a type of thermosetting polymer that’s impossible to wash away?
[buying house plants] hey wanna come back to my place and die
Not to get too technical, but chemistry says alcohol IS a solution. So I win.
Just so we’re all clear, the plural of Roomba is Roombae
Receptionist quietly into phone: Security? Yeah. He’s back
Unplugged the WiFi for 10 seconds and a teenager I didn’t know existed appeared from one of the bedrooms to complain
“Hey Alexa, didn’t I unplug you?”
Alexa: *cackles maniacally*
Our neighbour always gets my wife’s name wrong, so she started doing the same to him. She apologises and says English names “are challenging to remember” and “am I saying it right?”. His name is Ken
Wow! This Child Actress is All Grown Up, and You Won’t Believe How Much She Hates Your Obsession With What She Looks Like Now:
I told my vodka about you.
What Nasa dont want you to know is those space suits they wear, those are actually bee keepers outfits.
Space is full of bees.
The moon is actually a giant hive, its where we get like 95% of our honey from. Check that moon landing footage again, its not grainy, thats a swarm.
Vaguely threatening bubble tea ad at my local mall.🧋
Someone suggested that I try Acupuncture. I don’t think adding more pricks will make a difference.
Of course I have a picture of my kids. Let me find a good one.
* frantically scrolling through 8000 pictures of my dog sleeping
What’s it called when you’re anxious enough to be a Helicopter Mom, but really, really lazy? A Blimp Mom? Yeah, I’m that.
So it turns out we were both wrong, but the important thing to remember is you were more wrong.
I feel like before a bee stings a human, all his dumb bee friends are like “you can totally take him.”
[first day as detective]
Me: it looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me, pointing at bullet wound: well yeah
me: so this is twitter, and these are all the people who follow me
dad: and they like you?
me: haha oh goodness no
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
Gonna start saying “that’s what they want you to believe” whenever anyone disagrees with me
why count sheep when I can count my troubles
God invented co-workers to remind us that dying alone wouldn’t be such a bad thing.
I say when we bury people we tie their shoes together. If there is a zombie apocalypse, at least it will be goddamn hilarious…
KID: can i eat a tide pod
MOM: no
KID: this is bullshit
MOM: don’t use foul language go wash your mouth out with soap this instant
*calls hotel front desk*
“Hi is the stuff in the mini bar free?”
No sir, you will be billed for any-
“Someone robbed my mini bar”