My kid is having lasagna for breakfast.
Omg I’m raising Garfield!!
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It’s hard to believe in God when every time I go to Subway the person in front of me has NO IDEA HOW SUBWAY WORKS.
ME: please don’t be mad
GETAWAY DRIVER: what’s wrong
ME: i left my phone in there
i hope my email finds you on fire
Blink once if you’re ok and Blink 182 if you ditched your career to find UFO’s.
*trying to write a journal article*
*submits a manuscript that just says “around the world” 144 times because it worked for Daft Punk*
One nice thing about my kids sleeping so late in the summer is that I save money on breakfast foods because it’s been completely eliminated from their diets.
boss: where have you been for the past seven days
me: in bed
boss: but i said sleep was for the weak
I refuse to clean my house before you arrive because it perpetuates our slavery to capitalism. Just kidding, I’ve vacuumed the attic in case you wanted to see our 15 year old baby gates.
hey can i get an ETA on that this too shall pass?
Me: pass me that cup
Kid: *gives me cup*
Me: I didn’t say simon says haha
[Later]
Me: PASS… MY… INHALER
Kid: not falling for that again
COW: I’m constipated
DR DOG: when was ur last bowel moooo-vement lol
C: ur doing puns right now?
DD: gonna milk this for all its worth lmao
Today’s Forecast: Room Temperature
Tomorrow’s Forecast: Room Temperature
Long-Term Forecast: Room Temperature
Lunch is the best thing that’s happened to me since breakfast.
I know how to make her bite her lip, arch her back and curl her toes
Legos on the floor by her side of the bed
The class where i learned absolutly nothing and dont remember anything
WIFE: Ok *deep sigh* why are you in the bathtub w/ a horse?
ME: [soaping behind Mr Butters’ ears] It’s called a stable relationship, Thelma
Huge sale this weekend, we have too many mountain lions, please come buy a mountain lion, this was a horrible business plan, one guy got ate
Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, though, it’s every man for himself
The perfect Christmas lights display doesn’t exi……..
North Korea claiming they test fired a big rock at Russia.
This is not how I wanted to learn the Greek alphabet
People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.
Marathon runner: I think we’re lost. Why does that sign say Grand Canyon? Are you sure this is the right way?
Lemming: Just trust me, ok?
90% of parenting older kids is making sure they’re not in the same room when they have to do homework.
You: My kid loves piano
My kid: *licking the piano keys*
Me: Same
[Rose from Titanic teaching her kid to ride a bike]
*holding back of seat* I’ll never let go
[2 seconds later]
*lets go*
The life lesson I most regret instilling in my children is “never give up.” There are days when my ability to guess which random object my toddler is hiding behind her back determines if I’m late to work or not.
[first day as diving instructor]
Guy [from the back]: what’s the signal for a shark
Me: sharks don’t really give signals they just show up
McDonalds could burn to the ground and I bet the fries would still be cold