Doctor: “The CAT scan results are in and they have confirmed my suspicions.”
Me: “Okay, I’m ready.”
Doctor: “You’re not a cat.”
You Might Also Like
I bet the hardest part of being a server is having to wait until people’s mouths are full before asking them how the food is.
*strips off clothes, stands on desolate highway holding sign saying “Last Naked Guy For 75 Miles”
60% of my childhood was spent showing all my work on math tests.
Nobody ever says “OMG I saw your twin!” and shows you a picture of somebody attractive. It’s always like “OMG I saw your twin!” and then it’s a picture of a half-eaten sandwich in the garbage
just went to my first ever LA kids birthday party and two of them were named Monserrat and Wolf
If I’m reading this DNA report correctly, the thin lines here and the thick lines over here mean nothing is my fault.
I’m at the age where if I took an oatmeal bath I would want to add blueberries.
“I see you’ve been eating whatever you want and not exercising.” -Clothes
I feel like every time a GOP candidate drops out, Oompa Loompas should appear & sing a song to teach us about the perils of gluttony & greed
I forgot my earphones this morning and for a moment I thought wouldn’t it be great if my audio book had subtitles
The scariest part of Psycho is when she gets in the shower and THEN turns it on.
McD’s drive thru: Welcome back.
Me: Welcome back? That’s pretty presumptuous.
MDT: …
M: …
MDT: The usual?
Me: Yeah. Thanks Brenda.
I might consider rejoining the Catholic church if the Pope knew karate. Otherwise forget it.
I wish there were glasses to protect me from all your blurry eclipse pics.
Note to self: do not get drunk and wear jeans that have 6 buttons.
I come from a time of excessive Durans.
Olympic pairs curling but it’s just me and my Roomba working together to frantically clean the hardwood floors before the wife gets home.
I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
My daughter woke up at 5, because of crows outside. She stuck her head outside the window and said ‘Mum, the bird witches are calling me’ and to sum up I have my next book and also I need to call a priest
the funniest historical moment was when achilles’ mom, knowing that dunking him in the river styx would make him invulnerable, didn’t take an extra 2 seconds to dip his heel in to make sure he was 100% covered. just the laziest shit ever
My doctor won’t go away. I know what you’re thinking but he has been eating small pieces of apple over many decades to build up an immunity.
Why does my computer always ask me if I’m “sure” about stuff? Yes, I want to delete my hard drive.
Interviewer: tell me about your leadership skills
Me: YOU tell ME about my leadership skills
Interviewer: holy shit, you’re hired
Me: I’m sorry, we have to let you go
Interviewer: dammit
Remember to practice self-care: Take a walk, meditate, try yoga, paint a picture, murder someone, burn a body, clean a crime scene…
ME What’s a penguins favourite relative? Aunt Arctica!
PENGUIN . .
ME [makes flies over head motion]
PENGUIN I don’t know what that means
Just found out a spider’s been living in my shower. Just hanging out. Quietly. Watching me. So, long story short, I HAVE A NEW BOYFRIEND!
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
playing too much GTA. starting to see traffic as “options.”
normalize wrapping all foods in cloth to allow for noiseless midnight snacking
Randomly print things to give your co-workers the impression you’re working.