Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me check
*laptop blows away*
Pretty close.
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Imagine the havoc if raccoons could fly. Rotund shadows grow larger over a pizza guy moments before he’s swarmed by snarling, handsy demons.
[job interview]
“What’s your biggest weakness?”
I make poor decisions
“Can you explain?”
Sure, but let’s do some shots first
I bet when David Hasselhoff gets too drunk he roams the streets screaming “KITT!” When he can’t find his car.
What do we want?
An end to auto-correct errors!
When do we want it?
Cow!
Sow!
Bow!
Tow!
Duck this!
adulthood means trying to convince yourself the font is just too small and it isn’t your eyesight going bad
[horse walks into a bar]
Bartender: Why the long face?
H: The world is spiraling down the crapper.
BT: You’re supposed to say-
H: Just pour.
[blind date]
HER: I love classic rock.
ME: (trying to impress) I’ve been to Stonehenge.
“can i have your number?” bro i told you i got a bf like 530-294-2740 times
On the way to school this morning:
5yo: “Mom, stop singing along to this song.”
Me: “What? Why can’t I sing?”
5yo: “Because if you keep singing like that, I won’t like this song anymore.”
Has anyone tried changing 2020 from dark mode back to light mode?
If your kid eats the chocolate bunny’s feet first, “so it can’t get away,” that’s your future serial killer right there.
A woman at the grocery store stopped me and asked “Do you know where the cheese is?” and it was the only time in my life that I confidently gave directions.
Give a man a fish, feed him for a day.
Teach a man to fish in highly-contaminated water, feed him for a day.
Every time I forget to feed my cat, I thank god that I wasn’t a teen mom.
Because that child would not be OK today.
Starting a new band called the Shania Twainsaw Massacre.
Grandma: do you have to take a little poopy hon?
3yo: no grandma I have to take a big shit.
I found a voodoo doll covered with pins on my doorstep. Too bad their plan backfired. They used an acupuncture technique and I’m feeling better than ever.
You’re right, teenagers: We don’t know what you’re going through. The rest of us skipped straight from 12 to 20. Best decision we ever made.
Bummed cuz parents wont send their kids to my resort that teaches how to pay attention.
I thought “Concentration Camp” would be a gold mine.
Black Friday: Because Only in America, People trample others for Sales the day after being thankful for what they already have
Do👏not👏remove👏the👏exquisite👏painting👏from👏my👏wall👏and👏open👏the👏hidden👏safe👏if👏you👏don’t👏want👏to👏find👏a👏smaller👏version👏of👏the👏same👏painting👏
Shouldn’t octopus apendages be called eightacles?
Me: *in fancy men’s clothes shop having just been told he price of the suit I was admiring* “Yes, yes I see… and how much for the hanger?”
When my friends come over they know to ask “may I sit here” and then we look at my dog to see if it’s OK
“Vintage designer purses are not a retirement plan,” says my accountant while rubbing his temples.
There is a vast difference between an underdog and a loser, the first one has a real chance to win.
Spending the day removing $1.6 billion worth of stuff from my Amazon shopping cart.
a one man band getting kicked out of a zumba class
Dad, I’m dating this pillow. It’s called Melanie
“You could do better than this”
You know I’m not good with women
“I was talking to Melanie”
Wait a second…