*leaves the kids w/ a new babysitter
*calls to check on the sitter
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I’m no psychic but I can tell you that pristine white furniture set you just bought for your baby’s room ain’t gonna look like that for long.
if you’re not easily offended, why are you even here?
Attention Wiccans don’t forget to feed your snakes before you go stand around in a graveyard all night tonight
Her: Your hair looks nice today
Me: Thanks. I slept differently.
You can be anyone you want on twitter, so I’m a little surprised so many guys chose “creepy weird dude.”
Secretly Canadians love it when people mistake them for Amer-
*is decapitated by a hockey stick*
My gf told me that I punched her in the face while I was sleeping last night. I apologized because I totally remember being awake for that.
If the world made any sense, all sperm whales would be male.
You all think your dad’s cargo shorts are lame until you need to smuggle some Reese’s Pieces into the movie theater.
waffles are just pancakes that ran into the screen porch door at full speed.
The way my son reacts when I approach his face with a tissue is the way you’d react if I approached your face with a nailgun.
What my husband said: How about you run to Target for cleaning supplies and I’ll hang with the kids
What I heard: How about you run to Target alone so you have the freedom to spend this months mortgage payment on unnecessary home decor and a 2020 calendar that you’ll never use
[job interview]
How would you improve our business?
“Dude, I’d bankrupt you in a week. I’m just catchin Pokemon in your office.”
Shout out to school music teachers everywhere who made a choice in life to get trapped in a room with 25 kids learning to play the recorder.
My 4yo held up her toy phone and announced she had “an important call to make.”
So I made sure to stay really quiet for a min because, respect.
Then I blasted the TV, begged for snacks, slammed doors & screamed “NOOOO” because, retribution.
[me, stacking babies on top of each other]
Him: Wha…What are you doin there?
Me: Oh, you know, just building up the infant structure.
Accidentally switched the baby formula with coconut milk and now my newborn is complaining that her lullabies are “too mainstream.”
the face you make when passing someone you kind of know but not enough to stop and chat
Person: Do you like using a wheelchair?
Me: I tried using a recliner, but it was useless for transportation.
Random dm guy: What are you wearing?
Me: A scathing look of disdain
If you want someone to sing 2 seconds before or after they’re supposed to then I’m your girl
If u wanna be happy the rest of ur life
Never make a prairie falcon ur wife
They need a moderate altitude
To catch burrowing owls for food
Me, looking at Met Gala outfits: But how do they go to the bathroom in that?
[first date]
Her: I love big hearted people
Me {trying to impress her}: I have hypertrophic cardiomyopathy
*At The Opera*
Her: Where are you going?
Me: I have to go to the Men’s Room.
Her: I have the car keys.
Me: Shit!
me: my doctor said to replace oil with applesauce to be healthier
mechanic: [looking at my car’s smoking engine] i think he just meant in food
I confess, when I asked you to put your feet in this bucket of wet cement, I had an ulterior motive.
If I ever really want my kids’ attention I can just make a YouTube video of me “unboxing” whatever I need to say.
I don’t think my car can fly
“There’s an all you can eat–”
CUT TO:
My spinning empty office chair