I always wondered how Neapolitan ice cream was made…
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The shortest amount of time known to man is what scientists call a “sundae second.” It refers to the period of time between when your child says he is too full to finish dinner and when he asks for ice cream.
Everything is made in China. Except babies. Babies are made in vaChina.
Anyone else notice Independence Day is July 4th? Maybe we can work it into our 4th of July celebrations.
Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.
In WWII soldiers left burlesque magazines around so if an enemy found it he’d yell “HOt DOG” then howl like a wolf & give away his position
3yo: why do you have to die one day?
Me: probably because of something I said to mommy.
I will love you ’til the end of time, or until my blood alcohol level normalizes, whichever comes first.
[tavern]
Jerk on stool next to me:
Which do you like better my looks or my personality?Me: I’m gonna need more options.
[ME]: *pointing up to the sky writer plane* it’s a message for you babe
[GF]: oh how romantic
[SKYWRITER]: KATE WILL YOU MA-
[GF]: omg yes i wi-
[ME]: wait keep watching
[SKYWRITER]: -KE SURE TO BUY THE NAME BRAND COCOA PUFFS NEXT TIME LIKE I ASKED YOU IDIOT
HEADS UP: if I can’t get around you on the sidewalk, I join your family
Me: We had ice cream in honor of you today
Dad (in heaven): Did you eat a half gallon in one sitting?
Me: No
Dad: Amateur
[petting zoo]
ME: *still petting the penguin*
DANNY DEVITO: There’s other people in line, you know.
*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
It’s crazy how my ex was so upset about losing me that he had to build a life with a new woman.
Therapist: Are you two still romantic?
Me: I left him a heart made of post-it notes on the bathroom mirror last week.
Husband: There were chores written on all of them.
Whenever my daughter starts a sentence with “I saw this Tik Tok that said…”, I know I’m in for some sound advice
[Watching the Food Network]
Me: She made THAT with those 3 ingredients? That’s DISGUSTING!
Also me: *dips cornbread in pickle juice*
6yo (raises hand) Teacher, I know how to do dark mode.
*closes eyes
*accidentally pokes finger in my eye* I can’t even trust myself anymore.
chiropractor: so what can i help u with today
me: i need u to lift me up and crack my whole body like bane does to batman
Today’s life lesson: “I’ve learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing them off is a piece of cake.”
My mom told me never to steal kitchen utensils.
But, it’s a whisk I’m willing to take.
dentist: how much mtn dew have you been drinking?
me: i don’t know why
dentist: because your teeth are snowboarding ok that’s why
ME: we wave at each other just about every morning but I always seem to forget your name…it’s Gary, right?
NEIGHBOR: Deborah
i was just sitting in my car and someone confused me for an uber and now i guess we’re driving across the country to stop his ex girlfriend’s wedding because he still loves her
*forgets why I walked into a room*
*remembers lyrics to a song I heard once 20 years ago*
Normalize answering the phone by saying, “Caller, you’re on the air.”
I enjoy a glass of wine each night for its health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…
*sleeping*
Heartburn: LIKE HELL YOU ARE
I just accidentally dropped a bit of sausage on the floor and the dog immediately swooped in and hoovered it up, which amazed me because I had no idea she knew how to operate it.