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A time machine. But just to go back and eat the donuts I once refused.
Boss: who wants to practice public speaking?
Me: can I go?
Boss: of course.
Me: [goes home]
My husband kept me up last night playing Call of Duty on his phone, so this morning I changed his ringtone to someone farting, and then called him repeatedly when he went to the gym.
The potato masher IS the Gatekeeper of the utensil drawer, don’t piss her off.
When I get to somebody’s house, I text them, because knocking on doors is for poor people.
Good cop: you two could go away for six years each for this
Add cop: for a total of twelve years between you
People acting all happy and energized first thing in the morning 🙄 chill out. You aren’t a teletubby.
I’m going to normalize a new trend.
Unsolicited *CROC* pics
I don’t ALWAYS post filthy tweets, but when I do, it is right after I’m followed by someone with “my Lord and Savior” in their bio.
It’s been 6 months since I joined the gym and no progress. I’m going there in person tomorrow to see what’s really going on.
me: babe theres a surprise for you under the christmas tree
my cat: *whispering* and also within
I’m so poor I can’t even pay for my own consequences.
By iPhone 30, you’ll have a choice. Whether to buy an iPhone or an island in the Caribbean.
If I hear someone crying I immediately cry louder to establish myself as the dominant sad person in the room
I don’t consider it a good night out if it doesn’t end up as a super villain’s origin story
Back to the Future IV: Marty Mcfly stops being obsessed with his own family and goes back in time to kill Hitler.
*googles how the hell I ended up here*
As a little girl I dreamt of being Belle so I could have that beautiful yellow gown- As a grown woman I want to be Belle so I can be locked away in an enchanted castle where the dishes clean themselves.
Writers of crime show blurbs are lazy. “She was missing and then her case took a shocking turn.”
It’s not shocking. I’m watching a show with murder in the title. I’d be shocked if she grew a third arm and joined the circus, but I’m fairly confident I know what’s up.
I threw a parking cone at someone. I am the drunkest person in the United states.
A guy told me I’m bad at flirting and I got so mad I took back all the dead birds I nailed to his door.
*writes “Place sacrifice here” on baby changing station in Wal-Mart bathroom*
No son, you can’t go out with your friends. Tonight we’re installing Windows Updates, as a family.
Mary: I’m pregnant
Joseph: but how you’re a virgin
Mary: oh god
Joseph: okay makes sense
I can’t stop thinking about this shirt
Who said chivalry is dead, I open the door at least a hundred times a day for my cat and dogs.
[my funeral]
PRIEST: Now that Dave has been cremated, he can finally get that rest he has… URNed.
EVERYONE: 😐
ME (from beyond): 😁
How to cook the perfect amount of pasta:
1. Pour out how much you think you need
2. Wrong
Girl at restaurant: Hey, I like your shoes.
Me: Thanks! I’ll tell my feet.
[Smooth, Brian. Well done!]
in medieval times i think the worst job was prob the castle door opener bc like you have to open those 500lb doors to let your ppl in but you gotta get that shit closed before the bad guys get in too. like i’m anxious just writing this tweet tbh.