My husband bought a steamer because I don’t iron. I wonder how long it’s going to take him to figure out that I don’t steam?
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2022 will be better than 2021
What the hell happened here.
Those turkeys presidents pardon? HUGE campaign donors.
Hospital Administrator: And how will you be paying?
Me: *Has no insurance* Dearly.
My sense of humor is so dark that my grandmother would have been very unhappy if my sister went on a date with it.
Her: If you look up immature in the dictionary you’ll see a picture of yourself!
Me: Oh I’m immature? I’m not the one with pictures in my dictionary Karen!
They say nothing rhymes with orange. I must be pronouncing it wrong.
[guy who invented windshield wipers] make sure it smudges the part where they have to see.
Romeo: Juliet is the sun.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: *loudly from the balcony* NO SHE ISN’T
[restaurant]
ME: I’m meeting my blind date here.
HOSTESS: Do you have reservations?
ME: Yes, but my friend tells me she’s very nice.
chiropractor cracked my back and now im glowing
If you’re a couple who sit on the same side of the booth, I’mma slide into the empty seat and eat your fries. Stop creeping everyone out.
I just overheard someone threaten that they were going to “put their foot down”. What kind of threat is that unless you’re Godzilla?
Minister: if anyone objects to this unio-
Me: *raptor call*
Groom: *raptor call*
Guests: *chorus of raptor calls*
*Bride gets devoured*
*Infinite space outside*
A fly: I’m gonna nail this chick’s eardrum!
This chloroform smells expensiv…
If life has taught me one thing, it’s that I need more money.
How come you only hear about folks being distraught? No one’s ever like, “I’m good, Bro. I’m traught as hell.”
I like to keep a “wet paint” sign on my office door, so that no one wants to touch the door to come in.
neighbor complimenting my jack-o-lantern: wow is that hand carved?
me: *wiggling my fingers* haha no it’s real.
My wife just put down a magazine & said “I have to stop reading this article because the author said she named her son Gideon.” ❤❤❤
The indescribable pain of having a client read off the options they see under “Settings.”
Me too 😆
People keep tagging a random person instead of the incoming British prime minister and she’s rolling with it lol
Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, I found out Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
‘this never happened to me so it probably never happened’
– idiots
Welcome to your 50’s. It’s 11:40 pm, so this should be your 11th pee of the night.
I think you misunderstood–when I said, “Let me look into it” that meant, “I don’t know exactly how to tell you no just yet”
I’m closing my pizza parlor. The Board of Health revoked my slicense.
Whoa whoa whoa, I thought that was OUR thing!
-me to my favorite cashier when she smiles at other customers