How to sex:
Boy: can I put my finger in your belly button
Girl: sure
Girl: that’s not my belly button
Boy: that’s not my finger
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Welcome to adulthood. Every time you login now, it’s a game of “Will I get into my account the first time” or “Will I be spending the rest of my life sitting here resetting my password forever.”
[Hillbilly court]
Judge: Yer charged with theft. What were ya thinkin’?
Gary Ray: My wife wanted a mink stole so that’s what i done did
5yo: I made this for you.
Me: How nice! Um…what is it?
5yo: I was hoping you’d know.
My Secret Santa gave me a McDonald’s gift card because they took one look at me.
Just told my toddler to eat 5 bites of her dinner, to which she replied I was horrible. So I counted the number 3 twice. Biotch.
I love that my dog always comes home from the groomer wearing a bandana. It’s like he was only gone for three hours, but joined a gang in that time.
The new Barbie movie should be an accurate depiction of her. Her knees should not bend, her house should have no walls, and the elevator should break all the time.
So many people say “if my memory serves me correctly” and I’m actually quite shocked at the amount of servants named Memory…….
Parents today:
Text me when you get there, text me the names of the kids who are there, text me when you’re coming home.Parents in the 80s:
Bye.
After 12 years of marriage we no longer spoon. We chopstick.
(On a date)
Her: the last guy I dated was really immature, so I ended it.
Me: haha yeah that was a good call…
*deletes ‘funny goat sounds’ app from my phone under the table*
Parents: Your room is a mess.
Me: You really need to see my life.
[doctor hands wife urn]
Ma’am, I’m afraid your husband didn’t make it.
“Nooo!” she cries.
Oh, he’s fine. But he didn’t make this lovely urn.
Best misinterpreted text ever!
[determined not to have any awkward silence during date]
“so, what’s your favorite part of a banana?”
Buying a well is money well spent.
I got 99 tabs open but my work ain’t one.
My husband before the holidays: I don’t need anything
My husband right after the holidays: I’ve always wanted this thing, and also I really really want this, and I’d love to have this other thing
My 4yo asked me where people go when they die.
I told her: “I don’t know, but it wouldn’t hurt to check under your bed last thing at night.”
Not to brag, but according to my husband I can help with any home improvement project by getting the hell out of the way.
Walked by a restaurant where they were using iPads for menus. How cheap are iPads now? More importantly, how expensive are menus?
There are many effective ways of inviting me to your event but doing it on Facebook is definitely not one of them.
My favorite part of Zumba is mortgaging my house to pay the chiropractor.
What’s the weirdest thing your co-workers believed?
Me: Co-worker thought H2O meant hot water and CO2 meant cold water
J: Co-worker thought they taught a real lizard to talk in the GEICO commercials
Despite the newer research, many people are still afraid of sharks. We will call those people “the living.”
COVID-19, economic collapse, quarantine, shortages…2020 can’t get any worse, you said?
Facebook has announced it’s created rooms for Messenger.
God help us.
*cops finds my loose floorboard*
Cop: What’s under here…
*they discover a lifetime supply of hot pockets*
Me: I’d like my lawyer now.
If a duckling is a baby duck, I don’t want to eat dumplings.
respond to every april fools joke by staring the person directly in the eye and saying “yes, that truly was a fool’s joke”
My kids have a lot of toy dustpans, considering how little they actually help me clean