[aircraft carrier]
*paints a T on the helipad*
Captain: No it has to have an H
Me: Why?
*train sounds approaching*
Captain: Oh dear god
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I have this really hot fantasy about having sex in…
… my lifetime.
Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Hopefully, on paid administrative leave.
People at work: you’re hilarious,man
Family: you’re really funny
Friends: you’re the funniest guy we know
Twitter: you’re occasionally witty, but don’t quit your day job
Wife: you’re an idiot. that’s not funny.
It’s romantic to walk someone home, but turns out they like it even better if they actually know you.
Human: your name is Flipper
Dolphin: (angerly) uh ok, HAND
boy pyromaniac: *starts first fire*
Dad pyromaniac: “im so prou-”
Mom pyromaniac: “dont say it!”
Dad pyromaniac: “im so proud of arson”
I fell asleep at 3:45. My 5yo woke up at 6:30.
Use protection, young people.
Lockdown was an unfortunate time for the launch of my party supplies business. I’ve got more unsold piñatas than you can shake a stick at.
Me: wow. Your room is a mess
4: you can clean it
Me: but you made the mess
4: I know you can do it
Me: I’d love some help
4: you’ve got this, Mama
[hiding my girlfriends Christmas present behind my back] remember how you said we were out of milk
While Taylor Swift’s boyfriends were exported overseas during the Trump years, only during Joe Biden’s administration were we able to bring this job back to the United States.
Two ill-tempered people return from a fractious trip to the grocery store, driving through an Old Testament downpour, and neither having changed the battery in the garage door opener.
Your prospects for a pleasant day are excellent because they have absorbed all the anger in…
Hate it when I’m minding my own business and an unmarked van pulls up with a shady-looking bear offering cheap farm-fresh honey and next thing I know I’m lying bruised and bloody on the side of the road but I guess that’s what I get for carrying a picnic basket in broad daylight
5: Daddy, can we go get ice cream?
Me: I don’t see why not.
5: Mommy said I couldn’t.
M: Hey, there’s the why not.
Him: Productive conference call?
Me: Hell yeah. I painted my toes, posted 6 pictures on IG, and got in one solid nap.
If you respond, “A reason for living,” when a store employee asks if they can help you find something, they will leave you alone.
Sorry I turned into a martial arts expert when you tickled me
I miss the good ol’ days until I remember things like having to get out of my chair and smack the tv to get a clearer picture.
interviewer: why’d you leave your last job
me: i heard a loud noise
interviewer: wow what was it
me: my boss yelling get out you’re fired
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not….Maybe just one…
Horrifying if literal: armchairs
The cashier told me to have a good holiday like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats, and hummus suggests anything else.
“Im sorry, I’m just really uncomfortable around children,” she said.
“I understand that,” replied the obstetrician, “but I still need you to push.”
A friend just texted me & asked for relationship advice. That’s like asking the pope to name all the members of Slipknot.
When my teacher used to say, use your inside voices I used to get confused, I always used my inside voices and they always got me in trouble.
“Honey, have you seen the baby? I haven’t seen the baby since I asked you to throw out the bath wat–OH DEAR GOD!!” – birth of an expression
It’s always good to leave a few toilet paper remnants behind so he knows you’re a fastidious wiper.
Boss: And what’s your ideal salary?
Me: Well how much does the position pay?
Boss: That depends on how much you THINK it pays
Me: What if I overestimate how much it pays?
Boss: Then we won’t hire you
Me: What if I underestimate?
Boss: Congrats! You’re our ideal candidate!
A Serial Killer Known For Ripping Out Tounges Entered The Buzzfeed Office And What He Did Next Left Us Speechless