There is nothing in the world that lowers your IQ faster than trying to use someone else’s coffee machine.
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When I was a kid and my dad was 40yo, I used to think he must be an old man who was practically almost dead.
Now that I’m nearing 40, I know the truth: I was right.
So far the hardest thing about learning how to swallow swords has been cutting the swords up into chewable chunks.
Want his attention?
Send nudes
Want to piss him off?
When he responds,
reply “Oops, wrong person”
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice shame on me. Try to fool me three times, I bite you
self-esteem’s so bad my fantasies are hurting my feelings
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
My family lived on such a tight budget growing up that whenever there was a light at the end of the tunnel, my dad would turn it off.
When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.
Me texting a friend: I miss you!
Friend: I miss you! What are you doing this weekend? Let’s hang out!
Me: . . .
(one week later)
Me: I miss you!
[two female cops come to arrest me but I am hiding in the men’s bathroom]
Haha
“What do we do?”
[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.
My husband will eat anything that has the word “Cowboy” in it so tonight I’m making Cowboy Kale and boy howdy is he gonna like it!
My wife and I have to put drops in the cat’s eye before we go to work. Just in case you see a headline like “Couple mauled to death by two pound kitten” tomorrow
Whatever I was born in like 10 mangers
The problem with finding people who accept me for who I am is that I question their judgment
Sometimes you just need to burn everything down to start over.. take a deep breath. close your eyes and enjoy the heat..
aaaaaaaaaaaaannnnnnd apparently that’s also arson.
Are you tired of having a great friendship?
Ruin it with Sex™
Coworker: Are you into heavy metal?
Me: Uranium is OK I guess.
C:
M:
C:
M:
C: I like Metallica.
That’s not even on the periodic table
“I hate when I can’t think of the right word,” she protesticulated.
looking for a 5 bedroom 3 bath house for $30
can’t believe people were talking about bean dad and short women when they could have been talking about two friends getting in a fight because they both named their baby ‘baby’
Darth Vader: I am your father
Odin: I am the all-father
God: I am the father, the son and the holy spirit
Maury: the DNA results are in, find out after the break
Judge: Do you understand the charges filed against you?
Me: Yes, Your Majesty.
Judge: Your Honor.
Me: Oh, Thank you….
“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.
Do NOT play Yahtzee with squirrels.
Big Sex has us all fooled
Bring back the McRib
Be myself?
BE MYSELF?!?!
You don’t care if I ever get laid again, do you?
I’m so old that if I was a Care Bear, I’d be Medicare Bear.
How do you stop Canadian bacon from curling in a frying pan?
Take away its tiny brooms 🧹