me after being off twitter for two days: “haha wow I don’t know what anyone is talking about”
some meme: “don’t you want to?”
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Hitting someone with overdraft fees is like whipping a footless man because he’s not running fast enough.
Alexa, make out with the Roomba
Me: They should make all kid clothes out of raincoat material because of how often they spill things.
Also me: [watches my kid spill juice on herself while wearing a raincoat, all of which immediately splatters onto the floor] Oh
Cop leans over body:
Looks like *removes shades* cement poisoning
Or a case *removes mustache* of gravity
Or *removes teeth* aaah gaah bwaa
‘I just call it like I see it…’ -People giving their unsolicited opinion about their unsolicited opinions.
My wife complains that I never open the car door for her, but when I do she’s all, “Stop it, you’re driving too fast! We’re on a bridge!”
BAD: When your date has been in the Men’s Room for 45 mins.
WORSE: When the 6 yo girl at the table next to you says “he’s not coming back”
[wine class]
Swirl your wine. Inhale its aroma. What do you smell?
ME: wine
Can you smell its buttery oaky notes?
ME: nope, still wine
I think I could be a pretty good boxer as long as the other guy isn’t allowed to hit me.
[1st date]
“I’m really into roll playing,” I tell her with a wink, and make two pieces of complimentary bread pretend to kiss.
One of my dogs was puking, i got up to deal with it and the other dog stole part of my dinner. This was not random. This was a planned event.
Twitter action film:
MAN 1: Follow me.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
MAN 1: No. Physically, follow me. Or you’ll be killed.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
In what is potentially a gross misunderstanding of Christmas in general, my 2.5yo has hidden her wallet ahead of Santa’s arrival.
Me after completing a simple 10-minute task that I’d been putting off for 3 months
My teen practicing her lawyer skills, “We’re studying Thailand, can we get Thai food to help me understand the culture better?”
Girls who go to finishing school know all of the Mortal Kombat fatalities.
That was your first time water skiing?
“Yeah”
I’ve never seen anyone that good. Incredible.
“Thanks”
What’s your name anyway
*Jesus winks*
Me, getting mugged: make sure you use that credit card for groceries. I get fuel points.
Her: tell me want I want to hear baby
Me: your order is on its way
Her: oh god, yes!
Macklemore was pretty far ahead of me in terms of self-awareness. When I was in the third grade I literally thought I might be a thundercat.
My friend got a peloton. Now she’s posting with words I don’t understand and people are responding with similar words and it’s like when everybody watched game of thrones and I didn’t.
Every time I go to bed early my cat decides this is the night she will find and kill god
I’ve had a stressful day and writing a scathing email to the pork and bean company wasn’t on my list of things to do but here I am.
“I’ve an appointment with Dr Patel.”
“Dr Patel is off sick today so-”
[slowly backs away & whispers]
“U people can’t even help yourselves.”
Me: By the old gods and the new…may no man ever remove this crown.
Dentist: You can rinse now.
As a kid Popeye was my hero. I’d stare at canned spinach and longed to eat it so I could be as strong as him. One day I stole a can from my grandma and with sweet anticipation took my first bite ever only to find out it tasted like… well canned spinach. Crime doesn’t pay kids.
Adulthood is about finding three things:
1. Purpose
2. Meaning
3. A place to sit down
“ONLY 90s KIDS WILL GET THIS” I say loudly as I gesture towards my crotch
the only way to save the bees is by beeing fiscally responsible. don’t spend the bees faster than you earn them. start a bee savings account. set yourself a bee budget
I always bring luggage when visiting my mom because I know she’ll send me on a guilt trip