After being raised on Disney movies I’m very disappointed how few adult problems can be solved by a good song and dance
You Might Also Like
Why are top brands getting more attention while your unique, innovative ideas stay underrated? Here is some #ThursdayAdwisdom. The truth is that you may be missing out on one of the most fundamental rules of selling – grabbing consumer’s interest. #digitalmarketing
Eating marshmallow fluff to intimidate the ghost that lives in my apartment
I’m at my sexiest when I try to run in flip flops in the rain.
Daughter : “mom , will you do my math homework for me tonight?”
Me: “No, it wouldn’t be right.”
Daughter: “Well, just do your best.”
playing my favorite songs that no ones enjoying but me
Noah’s Ark was so unrealistic. Have you ever tried to pen up velociraptors? Did the guy who wrote the Bible even watch Jurassic Park first?
It’s truly insane how I’ll still stay stuff to my five year old like “hang on mate, you’ve been saying you’re hungry all afternoon, and now you won’t eat your dinner” as if he’s going to turn around and go “that’s such a good point yeah. You’ve bested me with logic this time”
The part of the Harry Potter movies that I found most unbelievable was that mostly unsupervised teenagers never had wild keg parties.
Wow, wife was pissed when she found out I donated her sweater to Goodwill, but not as mad as she would have been if she’d found out I shrunk it in the dryer.
Granmas leave the plastic fruit display with your bite marks on it to remind you of what you did 35 years ago
I don’t want to open a can of worms in a china shop but mixed metaphors can be very effective and logical to boot. No bull.
I walked up to my 9yo and said, “How goes it?” He looks up at me and says, “God is history’s greatest serial killer.”
“Huh?” – Wonder Woman
The FBI’s terrorist hotline is not a place to chat with hot terrorists. I know that now.
daughter: do you realize that you talk to yourself?
me: so you won’t answer when I call you but you’ll eavesdrop on my conversations?
daughter:
i think a great bit would be if petsmart had just one big evil looking sword in this section
Born on February 29th of a leap year, I can’t legally drink till I’m 84.
Subway sandwich employee said he wears the gloves “cuz the meat stings.”
At what age do humans become manipulative pieces of shit? Is it three? Feels like it’s three.
They’ve got a tiger running loose in Atlanta and I won’t take out the garbage if there’s a moth on the screen door.
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
I know it might seem cruel, but unless you’ve lived through the horror of a sheep infestation, you couldn’t possibly understand.
When I’m grabbing something off the shelf at the supermarket, I like to momentarily remove the first item and take the one behind it so I’m not buying the one that 50 other people have touched, a trick that no one but me has ever figured out
Cow it started Cow it’s going
adam and eve had first world problems
in the office ordering extra garlic sauce with my lunch schwarma much like a skunk deterring predators
Interviewer: Please put your kazoo away
Me: You’re getting so tall!
Child: I don’t really like that because it means I’m getting older and when you’re older you’re closer to dying.
Me: …Oh.
Child: Sorry, I won’t talk about that. It might scare you.
Me:
Child: Because you’re already so old and close to dying.
My neighbor’s cat got into the booth with me when I was testing my teleportation device and now there’s cat hair all over my genes.
The Joker furiously scrolling through Batman’s old tweets for anything problematic