Here lies a mother, her struggle was valiant but in the end the laundry pile was too big and she couldn’t claw her way out
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ME: I will now pull a rabbit out of my cat
MAGICIAN TEACHER: omg what have you done
“Please, do that thing again with your tongue…” – Me talking to my pet lizard:(
January 29, 1802, 2 AM: I hope this letter finds you well. Are you up?
March 2: I am, good sir
April 6: Would you kindly come over?
May 9: K
Facebook: your old HS friend just sent you a friend request
me: cool!
Facebook: she’s racist now
me: uhh
Facebook: everyone on here is
Me: is everything ok you seem distant
Them: that’s the wrong end of the binoculars
If you live in the same hemisphere that I do you’ve probably already heard me sneeze.
Can’t make an omelette without breaking into my neighbor’s chicken coop.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Me: *lies down to sleep*
Brain: Remember that really embarrassing thing you did in 3rd grade.
Worrying that Disney will ruin Star Wars is like worrying that a second iceberg will dive down to hit the Titanic.
Cats are weird. They look at you like they want to set you on fire then look all surprised when you toss them into the ceiling fan.
What’d you do this weekend, Aimee?
*shuts off lights & pulls out flashlight*
*acts out weekend with shadow puppets*
My boyfriend was explaining to me how its nice to be with me as I’m so easy to keep happy. Enjoying the positive comments I asked him to elaborate, he says well all you need is to sleep well, eat lots and go for nice walks, to which I suddenly realised I am a golden retriever
Every other type of doctor’s office practically has their own app, meanwhile MRI centers are like “It’s 1998 in here, enjoy your CD”
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
19: ‘Um, is it weird that the milk just backed away when I reached for it?’
Me: ‘It’s fine.’
Oh you thought I sent you that red balloon emoji 🎈 as a happy birthday message?
No.
I meant that I hope a freaky clown tries to kill you.
It’s been 5 years now. I’m afraid that I actually might not be bloated.
When you’re not sure if people keep waving at you you might need to ease up on the hellocinogens
If you’re in an ambulance, you need to get yourself to a hospital right away.
More photos of empty shelves in stores please, I love seeing the shelving infrastructure of each store.
normal brain: “you’re now unsubscribed from our mailing list”
big brain: “please tell us why you’ve unsubscribed”
exploding brain: “type in the email address you’d like us to remove from our list”
galaxy brain: “please log in and visit your account settings to select which lis
Scooby Doo led me to believe there would be a LOT more abandoned amusement parks and old people pretending to be ghosts.
So Disappointed.
This throwing coins in the wishing well is taking too long…
I’m going in myself.
It’s 450 BC. Socrates is doing a keg stand at a philosopher frat party. Gets the nickname SoCRAYtes. Nobody takes him seriously ever again.
Jealousy is a horrible green monster.
Well, a horrible monster in a tight green dress. With big boobs. And an ass to die for.
🙁
The calories don’t count in the bites we have to take of our kid’s food to get them to eat it
Can some of you who who post pictures of your muscles come over Saturday and help me move?
“Dude! You rock!”
– stated excitedly“… You stone! You worse than senseless thing!”
– held back 93 times out of 100
A financial advisor from my bank called to various savings options as if she doesn’t have access to my account information.
reasons my cat is yowling:
-she doesn’t want the food in her bowl
-she wants to be picked up
-she wants to be put back down
-she wants to play
-she doesn’t want her toys touched
-the mantelpiece is not high enough
-it’s raining
-the universe is large & she is its queen