My boss at the stencil factory once asked me to make a template for work, so next morning I went to the temp’s house and let her tyres down
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New research reveals that “the printer’s not working” is the third most common English phrase, right behind “thank you” and “go f*** yourself”
Meghan Trainor songs:
-All About That Bass
-Flounder’s Good Too
-Also I Like Shrimp
-Wait, I’m a Vegan
-All About That Kale
“Eat cheese and sin.”
This is… the best street art sticker I’ve ever seen?!
What’s that, Lassie? Timmy’s in trouble? His marriage is falling apart? He’s having an existential crisis? I’ve got my own problems, Lassie.
Everyone on Instagram has pics of them at places all over the world & I’m like here’s another shot of me from a different angle on my sofa
I slept with the lights on last night because I missed the light switch with all 8 of the Nerf Darts I shot while lying in bed.
[first day as EMT]
Me: *checks pulse*
Victim’s wife: well?
Me: *shakes head*
Victim’s wife: I don’t think you should shake his head
I think it’s bad coaching to tell kids to choke up on the bat. matter of fact i don’t think children should be eating baseball bats at all.
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is if you get too drunk at the bar you can just carry it home.
My goal weight is to stop hearing ‘you have a great personality’
How times have changed.
If she boasts how adult coloring is therapeutic and has made her more tolerant and patient
Hide her markers
And wait…
Studies show that sleepwalking has decreased among Americans over the last 10 years. Typical lazy Americans.
I’m voting for Bernie Sanders based all on the fact that His fried chicken rules
Don’t get it. Heard the phrase “keep your friends clothes & keep your enemies clothes, sir”. Now I have a bunch of naked people angry at me.
Me: *delicately inserting plastic tassels to the ends of my handlebars*
Motorcycle Instructor, shaking his head: only if you brought enough for the whole class
When a nurse checks your blood pressure they should immediately clarify whether it’s good or bad. “130 over 90” ok cool are we just saying numbers
Me: How old is your daughter?
Her: She’ll be 4 next week.
Me: *audible sigh
(Slowly, emphatically): OK. But I asked how old is she… NOW.
And I spent so many nights
Growing hairier with mould
And now I’m old,
Past the date I should be sold
“And why do you want to work at the aquarium?”
* imagines me with a mermaid tail swimming in the giant tank after hours*
I like fish
[gets bit by spider]
[I don’t get powers]
[spider suddenly becomes tired & instantly hates Peppa Pig]
(On a date at Whole Foods) “Isn’t this place great?”
Cashier: “Sir, please stop standing on the dates.”
Mozzarella sticks in the streets, mozzarella sticks in the sheets.
There’s never a bad time for mozzarella sticks.
I’d rather see a guy with a machete walking towards me than someone with a clipboard.
When one happens upon a small spoon, the proper response is to become the big spoon. It is simply what one does at times like this. I am however sorry for having disturbed your crime scene, officer. I’ll see myself out.
you do not exist just to pay bills and die, you must also act insane on the internet
[date night]
me: you know it was pretty hard to get a table here
gf: we are in your apartment
me: you gotta carry it up like 4 flights of stairs then turn it sideways to get it through the door
i listed my ex as my emergency contact at my new job bc if i have a heart attack i need to tell kathy to burn in hell one last time
Last year for Christmas I got a sweater, this year I am hoping for a screamer or a moaner.