Interviewer: Have any personal mantras?
Me: Absolutely! [thinks to self…banana to mouth not mouth to banana] Make friends with change✨
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I once brought great shame to my children by telling the drive-thru attendant I’d take as many ketchup packets as he could give me.
NASA just received data from 47-year old Voyager 1, which is 15 billion miles from earth. My daughter, who is 34 and lives six miles from me, still hasn’t returned my text.
Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer. Marry your enemy. Grow old together. Watch your enemy die.
Him: no one will steal your identity that way
Me [disposing of old underwear by cutting it into strips like a credit card over a trashcan]: you don’t know that
Number of times husband has insisted a puzzle piece is missing: 434
Actual puzzle pieces missing so far: 0
a funny thing to do is to call someone & say “HI THIS IS BLOCKBUSTER VIDEO YOUR VHS RENTAL OF NEW JACK CITY IS 1,382 DAYS PAST DUE”
[ cooking class ]
teacher: first, we’re going to sweat the onions
me: *uncomfortably close to cutting board* where were you on the night of june 22nd
Captain: Does anyone have a hanky we can use for a white flag?
Me: Here Cap.
Captain: Does anyone have a clean hanky we can use for a white flag?
[At job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have a police record?
Me: No. But I do have a few of their albums on cassette
*hires me instantly
“I only look sexy in contrast to a toilet” – People who bathroom selfie
Like that scene in ‘The Revenant’ where Leo is mauled by the bear but it’s just me at your wedding reception dancing with your grabby aunt.
one day, after your children have moved out, you realize it was your husband who you needed to hide the good cookies from all along
PERSONAL TRAINER: so how much do you bench?
ME: a fair bit but I usually bed or sofa.
Wishing everyone who’s visiting their parents for Christmas a very water tastes wrong.
[1st date]
“I’m really into roll playing,” I tell her with a wink, and make two pieces of complimentary bread pretend to kiss.
This is why I don’t delete Facebook
My son, 15, DOES NOT KNOW the name of the street we’ve lived on for 7 years. We are taking him to the vet to get micro-chipped.
this one time, I was able to rob a bank armed with nothing but a notebook filled with poetry I wrote in the 8th grade
-I love you!
-Me too!
-You too what?
-What you said
-What did I say?
-That
-Say it
-What?
-I want u to say it
-Well
-and?
-what?
-Say it
-it
Tuna are probably pretty annoyed with how much we worry about catching dolphins in our tuna nets.
I may not have any friends but at least I know my cat will never ask me to help him move
Psychology majors be like damn I can’t even be mad at you bc I know why you reacted the way you did
Such bullshit that people stop saying “You ate it all! Good job!” once you reach a certain age
I may make a lot of typos when I text, but in my defense, I do have to look at the road sometimes.
It’s time to play “Is My Kid Hugging Me or Cleaning His Nose or Both?”
Mom used to say the only accessory a fashionable girl needs is a virtuous reputation. But it’s bracelets.
Hair pulling during sex is hot unless the whole wig comes off.
*arranges romantic candlelit table with two chairs*
*sits in one chair, puts feet up in other*
*sips wine*
Me: Oh God help I’ve been stabbed in the tummy
911: how old are you?
Me: 38
911: omg
Me: what
911: 38
Me: what
911: tummy
Me: just send help
911: ok tummy sending you an amby wamby