There’s no-one who can get more drunk on power than the admin of a village Facebook group
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No I don’t want your man. I’m not even sure why you want your man.
It’s woman law if another woman tells you your outfit is cute and you got a deal on it you must tell them where you got it and how much it cost.
Someone’s 26 year old son: hey I love older women, older women are amazing I love that you’re older
Me: turns directly to dust
Instead of a vasectomy they should have just called it a spermaban.
Mr. Potato Head was an only child in spite of being made by Hasbro.
My wife almost fell down the stairs today and that got us into a heated argument whether my gasp was out of concern or excitement.
If you’ve never seen someone do karate in white leather pants…then buckle up baby, because I’m about two wine coolers away from making your dreams come true.
In 1000 years, archaeologists will find tanning beds and think we fried people as punishments.
There’s no way witnessing the birth of your child is better than seeing your luggage come out first on the baggage carousel.
Wait a minute—if the cat’s in the cradle, then where—
*baby in kitchen, pushing glasses off table while maintaining eye contact
I’d say at least 10% of parenting is smelling stuff.
i finally learned that stocks are the birds that deliver ur baby so follow me for more finance tips
Farmer: Here, take a gander.
Goose: No! My husband!
Walk into karate dojo. Bow. Assume made up karate stance. Taser the first guy who runs at you. Bow. Exit karate dojo
I’ve got a “bun” (baby) in the “oven” (oven)
Part of me says I can’t keep drinking like this. The other part of me says, don’t listen to her, she’s drunk
guys I’m going home
Surprise your buddy by putting on clown makeup and dying in his attic.
Therapist: today we’re going to do an exercise
Me [shifts nervously in seat]: oh, I-uh
Therapist: calm down, fatty. Not actual exercise
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
i think i understand why rhinos are going extinct
The most disappointing sentence in the human language is “This next song is off of our new album”.
My head feels like something Picasso would have drawn.
[being interviewed from a lily pad in a fetid bog] I mean, if you think about it who hasn’t lied to a witch at some point?
I have started a band called Free Beer.
When people see our sign ‘Free Beer Tomorrow at 9PM’ I’m sure everyone is going to be there.
stan is such a liar – at first he’s like “i’m your biggest fan” but THEN he says his little brother matthew likes eminem even more than him
[First date]
Sarah: I’m a twin.Me: Do you know what each other are thinking?
*meanwhile across town*
Sue: Sarah’s date isn’t going well.
If a tree falls in the woods it should break into a light jog so it looks like it did it on purpose.
[job interview]
HR: Says here you’re very good at multi-tasking
*me taking a selfie & spinning in chair
HR: *whispering “wow he’s good”