[Lou Bega voice]
One, two, three four
[Proclaimers voice]
five hundred miles
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Dog kids: ughhh, homework for dinner again?
Dog mom: I had to wait outside his bedroom for three hours for him to fall asleep so I could steal this, you ungrateful little shits.
God: is it done?
Noah: yea
God: whats this
Noah, proudly: a swing set
God: you built a park. I asked for an ark
Noah: a what?
God: a boat
Noah: say boat then
I’m not sure I like progress.
I asked my youngest for her Christmas list and she held up her phone and said, “Just scan this QR code.”
Me: What makes you think I have trouble letting go?
Her: You woke me up at 3am to ask that?
Keep microwaving fish in the office and stop wondering why you never get a desk by the windows.
[having sex]
me: *finishing first* I win again!
wife: you really don’t
when hoodie season starts don’t ask me if i’m wearing anything under because this is what imma do
Got a lifetime ban from Target for spending less than $20
[airport security]
wife: *fidgeting with wedding ring*
me: *emptying my cargo shorts pockets*
tsa agent:
tsa agent: why so many gameboys
“Honey, can you bring me a
roll of toilet paper?”Toilet paper- “I have a boyfriend”
Warner Bros named him Bugs Bunny because he was absolutely riddled with lice
TV Anchor: I don’t have my Halloween costume yet but it’s going to be cool and wet!
Me: Wow you go girl!
TVA: turning to weather…
M: Oh…
In alcohol’s defense, i’ve done some pretty dumb shit while completely sober too.
6:57pm: I am conducting an experiment — I’m going to pet my dog continuously and see if he ever gets tired of it
4:09am, June 14, 2029: no
I knew I saw you the moment I laid eyes on you
Mothers just don’t eat their young like they used to.
So far this “doctor” has insisted on giving me a haircut and 9 shots for a stomach ache and when I questioned her credentials she called the police on me.
4: *hands me toy phone* Talk to them.
I buy my kids cereal based on which kinds my vacuum cleaner will be able to pick up best.
“Keep it in your pants,” I say, refusing to put my husband’s heavy key ring in my purse.
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
How do typists like their apple pie?
With a little bit of qwerty cream.
Who else is self quarantining alone? I’m this close to naming a volleyball.
[going to the moon]
Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!
Me: oh no
Co-astronaut: what
Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket
When they say “all expenses paid” does that include bail?
Having a tan is attractive. Having skin sponsored by Doritos isn’t.
I’m from the 80’s. We ate cookies instead of deleting them.
[person at the grocery store is crowding my personal space]
me: oh hi do you work here can i ask you a question
[person at the grocery store is immediately no longer crowding my personal space]
[Interview]
Me: I really need the paycheck
Him: This is an unpaid internship.
Me: Do you provide snacks?
Him: Um, yes
Me: Keep going…