Cop: Can I see some ID?
Me: No. But you can see this…
[Does that trick where you pretend to detach your thumb]Rookie cop: I didn’t sign up to fight no wizard sarge
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[Giving directions in America]
Go two blocks down and take a left on 4th
[Directions in England]
Go down this road, past the big tree, over the bridge throwing a snack to the troll, dodge the wizard and it’s right there on the edge of the magical forest
Dear friend, if you ever feel bad, call me.
I promise to sing for you.
Then you can decide what’s worse.
Slipknot sacked their drummer a few months ago, and suddenly Kate Middleton is nowhere to be seen?
Surely not a coincidence, she must be locked in rehearsals frantically learning their tour set list and getting a horror mask fitted.
waiter: *murdering me*
me: [after ordering the not getting murdered] no no this is fine
I have to go stand in line at Gamestop now because I had a careless night of unprotected sex 13 years ago and Halo 5 is out today.
I wonder if those folks that wrote “Never change!” in my yearbook regret their choice of words.
I’m surviving this massive amount of “family time” by pretending they are mental patients and I’m their case manager.
Fun fact: dinosaurs are divided into two main groups, “lizard-hipped” species like Apatosaurus and “bird-hipped” species like Stegosaurus
NOT FUN AT ALL fact: actual birds are considered lizard-hipped
The media be like here’s what you need to know about protecting your privacy online, subscribe to view article
Him: Send me a shower pic
Me:
Taken 5: has anyone seen my doggie?
Worst part of my old job was drug screenings. Had to tell a guy he was pregnant. Lesson: don’t use your girlfriend’s urine for testing.
I was never a big believer in destiny until the only parking available at my gym was in the adjacent Burger King.
Establish dominance by dying while you have out of town guests.
Remember when a guy was coming over to hook up so texted me “addy?” and I said “no thanks” because I thought he meant adderall instead of address so then he was just like “oh ok” and didn’t come over? I do. How could I forget
Luke, I am your uncle.
Luke, I am your third cousin.
Luke, I am your grandmother.– Skywalker family reunion
I told my wife Netflix is voice enabled and listening to her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the TV is maybe the greatest thing ever.
Going viral is a great way to see that 50,000 people looked at your profile and thought, nah.
“thank you for your order, I’ll push it off the edge of the counter when it’s ready”
he looks great for his age
That’s no pocket rocket.
– Dracula darling, you have something stuck in your teeth.
– Vhere, here?
– No…
– Here?
– No, just go look in-
– GO LOOK IN WHAT, SARAH?
Went to my uncle’s funeral today open bar pretty good food but my uncle was dead 3/5 stars
This is a really bad idea. When do we start?
I’m smart but not “know when to stop eating” smart.
Since Monopoly replaced its tiny iron, the talking mice in my walls now all have wrinkled shirts.
Was it because I listed you in my contacts as “Vacuum?”
Someone should have warned me, that when you have kids, they talk to you, like, ALL. THE. TIME.
Me: I just got hit
911: are you ok
Me: with a car
911: oh my gosh
Me: a toy car
911: oh why did u call us then
Me: its now sticking out of my skull
I wonder if Superman ever put glasses on Lois Lane’s dog & she was like, “I’ve never seen this dog before. Is this a new dog?”