My toddler saw Santa for the 2nd time this season and when he asked her what she wanted for Christmas, she quit smiling, looked him dead in the eye, and told him, “I already told you”. And that was the moment I realized that I’m going to have to get so much better at lying.
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had a talk with my manager where i told him it’s hard to do my job when i’m left off of emails/meetings and he said “well when you’re left out just let me know” and then i stared at him until he went “but if you were left out, you wouldn’t know….”
Remember when mowhawks meant you were a tough punk rocker?
Now they just mean that you’re 3 and your parents are idiots.
I love how every airline is like “not to brag, but we actually clean the planes now.”
*lets out a blood curdling scream* HELP MY BLOOD IS CURDLING
ME: Hold on, let’s stay in the car until the song ends.
UBER DRIVER: No.
i was in target and a little kid came up to me asking if i could watch something for him while he looks for his momma and i said yes, so he handed me a half-eaten chicken nugget
I’m my own worst enemy, but there are literally hundreds of people tied for second place.
{The purge}
GUY MURDERING ME: It’s “purge.” It’s a soft g.
ME: The purg. I feel like I’m saying it.
GUY: No, it’s “purge.” You’re saying it like “iceberg.”
ME: Purg.
GUY: *Getting increasingly frustrated* Say iceberg.
ME: Iceburge.
I feel pretty smart until I realize the wild ducks I’m surprised by on my neighbor’s lawn are metal lawn ornaments he’s had for 5 years.
[if i was president]
“mr president, is it true you thought navy seals were actual seals that can drive a boat”
this press conference is over
Anyone know a good air guitar repair man?
I broke mine in the last battle.
unpopular opinion: The best thing young people can do early in their careers is to delete their dating apps so they can meet someone the old fashioned way (going down on catwoman)
Congrats, YouTube. the algorithm really nailed my 10 year-old with ads for boxed wine, divorce attorneys and the swiffer wet jet
If I was a police sketch artist I wouldn’t listen to the victim. I’d draw a majestic gay dragon then flip it over and be all, “Is this him.”
Before marriage: fantasizes spending life together.
After marriage: fantasizes spending life insurance alone.
How to NOT wear your Disney Jumper.
Marriage isn’t for everyone, especially for married people
someone ate my burrito from the office fridge. i will level this building.
every time i drink milk i remember my roommate who used to put powdered milk in his milk so he could drink “more milk per milk”
HUSBAND: I can’t believe you’re in your 40s. You look so young.
ME: Nice try. You’re not getting the last piece of pizza.
MyFitnessPal:
“If every day were like today, in 5 weeks, you’d weigh…”
ONE METRIC TON!!
Popular misconception: women brag about designer clothing. Most women I know whisper “This was $7 at TJ Maxx” or “I grabbed the wrong bag at LAX and two hitmen are chasing me, but look, free romper.”
Wife: Put the dishes away I have other things to do.
Me: ok
*Me loading dishwasher with wife watching entire time to ensure I do it right*
If a cop is arresting you, just play the national anthem, he’ll be forced to stand still for the whole thing while you get away
Someone told me I was “good people” and I replied “OMG you can hear them too?”
this november isn’t novembering the way previous novembers, novembered.
Please. Old people. When you comment on a Facebook pic you don’t need to end with Love, James. WE CAN SEE YOUR NAME YOU’RE NOT AN OSTRICH
If you start a sentence with “I seen”, i’m just going to go ahead and assume the next part will not be “the inside of a book”
captain: *drops anchor over side of boat*
me: great now who’s gonna do the news
Accidentally got melted butter on some fried chicken and this is my delicious origin story.