[Titantic sinks]
Jack: wanna share that door so I don’t die?
Rose: [door lock noise]
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I was disappointed he didn’t mean the UK when he said he’d take me to pound town.
I’m 99% sure the plane Harrison Ford was in is from the Amelia Earhart exhibit at the Smithsonian.
364 DAYS: Astrology’s silly and baseless and I’m not a conceited Leo at all
ON MY BIRTHDAY: It’s still baseless but please worship me today
As I sit in this coffee shop practicing for my Sign Language final it occurs to me, all of these people probably think that I’m talking to myself.
As I walked through the valley of the shadow of death, I pooped my pants a little bit. Not gonna lie.
[In line at the store when my child has a meltdown]
A boomer in line behind me: that child could use some discipline-
Me: -but your generation has already used 𝘌𝘝𝘌𝘙𝘠𝘛𝘏𝘐𝘕𝘎 all up
[Pulled over]
Sir do you know how fast you were going?
MY DOG IS IN LABOR!
Oh! In that case *scribbles*
Here is a ticket for littering.
If we put aside our differences and work together, I truly believe we can come up with a few more alternate spellings of the name Britney.
For sale: Shrimpless rice. Never fried.
My therapy group is a joke. The doctor is supposed to match you with people you have something in common with but everyone here is nuts.
Do not ask me to cheer you up. I will take you to a bar and ruin both our lives
Mall security asked me to empty my pockets.
My response was “you won’t find a better job or respect in my pockets”
no matter how many years they’ve been practicing, a bagpipe player always sounds like they started learning that day
“How old would you be if you didn’t know how old you are?”🤔
One of the most romantic things a rose can do for another rose is leave a trail of human body parts from the front door to the bedroom.
So I’m sitting, minding my own business when *BAM*
Nothing happens
Psychologist: Let’s play a word association game. I’ll say a word, you say what springs to mind
Rainbows
Me: I hope my ex dies in a fire.
scientist: the universe is 14 billion yrs old
me: i believe it
waiter: this plate is hot
me: yeah right *touches it*
Dear future self,
No, you weren’t robbed. You left your house like this.
Sincerely,
You, you dumb slob.
Needless to say, I don’t think it’s good news.
I may or may not have a joke about Schrodinger’s cat.
ME [passing the bag]: cheeto?
GUY IN THE STALL NEXT TO ME: can we please not do this?
[trampoline park]
me: *needing to come back down every time i go up*
Sir Isaac Newton: holy shit
These supplements I was taking promised me a defined shape…they didn’t say it would be “melted candle”.
I’m feeling a little too good about myself today, I guess I’ll call my mother.
Don’t tell me I’m not spontaneous. I didn’t plan that nap at all.
*tries to wave goodbye to the genie without spilling my 3 giant milkshakes*
Ran into my wife at the library when we were both supposed to be “out with friends”
So cute how this taxi driver is taking an unnecessarily long route and driving slowly so he gets to spend more time with me.
[haunted house]
FRIEND: you scared???
ME: not because of this haunted house, but yes