Thank god my neighbors let their dogs out at 5am or I might actually sleep in on a Saturday.
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It’s taken 7 years but I’m beginning to see the correlation between my kid’s hyperactivity and his sugar intake.
“love means never having to say you’re sorry”
“that is not what love means”
“sorry”
I just met a spider that jumped right at me when I tried to kill it.
And that spider just met a man that does not need to live in a home.
It’s normal for married couples to fight. The trick is for you and your spouse to find a couple you can easily beat up.
I have explained who the California Raisins are to two people today and I am starting to wonder if I made them up.
[meeting with financial advisor] ok so how does money work
[son falls over & hurts himself]
ME: aww poor kid, he needs a little THC
WIFE: don’t you mean TLC?
ME: [huge bong rip] he needs what now?
(meeting for naming cereal)
“List the ingredients; maybe we’ll get inspired.”“Honey, bunches of oats–”
“I think we’re done here.”
You (a simpleton): I hate the Hamburglar, he steals all the burgers
Me (went to business school): McDonald’s uses the myth of the Hamburglar to create an illusion of scarcity and increase the perceived value of its products
A new survey shows that most Canadians aren’t looking to return to the office full-time. Just a thought, have you guys tried putting a bed in there?
FRIEND: Jack is sleeping, what should we do to him?
TYLER: Shaving cream.
MARK: Shaving cream.
ME: Pay off his student loans.
[they all look at me]
ME: I mean shave him.
The “free milkshakes for a month” contest I just won is telling me my month’s supply of shakes is 5 shakes. Yeah 5 should last me a month…
announcer: now presenting hollywood’s most illegible bachelor!
audience member: you mean eligible?
announcer: [holds up picture of badly drawn stick man]
everyone hates on Gollum but he had the right idea: become a hermit, collect jewels, swim naked in lakes and pools, occasionally hiss at people who try to make you go places
Me: “I’ll drink to that!”
Them: “Nobody said anything.”
Me: “I’ll drink to that!”
*shakes brain like an Etch-A-Sketch*
Got banned for life from rap battling for repeated use of the word dingus.
1.25pm: Do you love me more than football?
4.25pm: Yes, of course.
Menopausal women would make great security guards. We are just waiting for someone to piss us off
If you still had hope for kids today, a teenager in a bookstore pointed to a book title and asked me if it was about World War Two or Eleven
Gf: Let’s role-play
Me: Ok you be a writer
Gf: But I can’t think of anything to write
Me: ooh that’s good
The plural of beer is beer, which is very convenient when you are explaining to your wife why you were late coming home from work.
[to the two wolves inside me]
do you need to go outside and go potty
Give a baker flours on your first date.
Don’t tell a lactose intolerant girl you’ll “rearrange her guts” you’re not doing anything to her a glass of milk can’t do
I don’t envy mama birds for how they have to feed their babies, but the pushing them out of the nest part sounds fun.
I’ve spotted six Pokémon today but I don’t have the Pokémon GO app so it may just be that I need my new meds adjusted.
The only things certain in life are death, taxes, and forgetting my reusable grocery bags.