me before I type out affect or effect
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[first date]
date: i’m an optimist
me: wow i’ve never met a transformer before
Forever 21… pounds overweight
wife: Why did you drink all the rum?
me: I lost the cap
Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.
(1st day as senator) yeah yeah but MY first priority is to find a mayo related food poisoning victim named cole and pass cole’s law
That snake Lucifer sent into the Garden of Eden was actually meant to be a cat but it didn’t feel like taking orders.
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
if Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you’re a girl who reads books, you will eventually fall in love with a water buffalo
I believe meat is murder, vegetables are burglary, bread is mail fraud and dairy is impersonating a police officer.
I want to be cremated when I die, or at the very least sautéed.
*Buys map of world, pins it up on wall*
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Visits the middle of the Atlantic Ocean*
I can’t believe these women are just walking around with yoga mats like a game of yoga might just break out at any moment
absolutely pissing myself over this police chase in LA. man running from police. going over 100mph. but still religiously using his blinker
When people post about their 5 year olds, they’re talking about wine right?
[job int]
“& what are your strengths.”
Me: lions
“Lions?”
Me: I’ll take [lion walks by the office] I- [quietly] I’ll take on any lion
It took 14 years, but 14’s feet finally stopped growing and now I’m rolling in so much shoe money.
Her: you haven’t changed since the day we met
Me: THEY’RE MY LUCKY UNDERWEAR
WIFE: You overreact to everything!
ME: [phones police]
We have to operate now
if the cancer spreads anymore you won’t be able to tell the difference between people & food
“Are you nuts?”
Dear God
I remember back in the day when you had to roll up a tiny scroll and give it to a falcon to tweet
Wait for it. (You won’t regret it).
I know we will never have another revolution in this country because every Chinese food place in my town has at least one review that says “this is the fifth time I ordered from this place and every time it was terrible”
Last night at dinner my 6 year-old asked me what the most dangerous shark was and I said ‘The Loan Shark’ so naturally I received an email from his teacher this morning.
son: daddy, do you believe in the Boogie Man?
me: I used to, but not anymore
[from under the bed]: I forgot to pick you up from the airport ONE TIME!
Me: I hate working from home.
Also me: I hate working from work.
Did you ask her out?
Yes.
And?
She only dates guys named Matt.
Cause she likes to walk all over them?
No, tattoo she can’t afford to remove.
TO MY SECRET ADMIRER: thank u for the flowers!! You accidentally had them sent next door & the card says ‘Penelope’ but it’s ok I love them😍
How can my wife’s hands not open a jar of pickles in the day, but become superhuman vice-grips at night when I want some covers?
Most Unsafe Christmas Toys:
Fisher-Price My First Deep Fryer
LEGO Chewables
Nicotine Patch Dolls
Barbie’s Poorly Wired Dream House
“Is Pepsi okay?”
– waitress slowly leafing through Pepsi’s disturbing drawings.