Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.
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If you’re cremated after you die, you can be put into an hourglass and continue to participate in family game night.
I don’t get spin classes, you do know they make bikes that move now too?.. and you can ride to somewhere and get a beer or a sandwich… it’s way more rewarding.
When I asked for my wife’s hand in marriage, I didn’t realize how often I’d just get the finger.
Who called it a hive for bees to live and not a site to beehold?
ANDY: I clarified your butter.
ME: Ghee! Thanks!
so proud of america. only 8 years after electing first black pres, we’re considering electing our first orange one
Hate it when I bring someone back to my place for the first time and all they want to talk about are the corpses.
Me: Hey Google Home.
GH: You can call me Google.
Me: *batting my lashes* My, you certainly do move fast.
Restaurant chain commercials should run the disclaimer “Actual food might not tumble and splash in slow motion”.
Doctor: I have good news and bad news
Me: What’s the good news?
Doctor: The good news is you’re alive. The bad news is you’re going to have to diet and exercise to stay that way
McDonald’s has spoiled all of us with their super-charged carbonated soda. I don’t want just any Sprite. I want the Sprite that will make me see God.
I’m already getting anxious over Christmas due to my Santa Claustrophobia-the fear of being smothered in an elevator by a crowd of Santas.
“I’ve never had a reason to see a therapist”
– People who haven’t met me yet
I didn’t have google maps growing up. The way you knew you were going the wrong way was by driving into a different state.
Summer vacation with my kids is just me asking, “Have you brushed your teeth today?”
That awkward moment you run into someone in public that you know, and there is nowhere to hide.
Waiter: would you like a little quiche before your main sir?
Me: ok, but no tongue
Interviewer: Why do you want to work in customer service?
Me: Well, I’m really good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault
The 6yo told my husband to be a dear, which seemed weirdly old-fashioned until I realized it was deer and he wanted to attack him with a toy cheetah
[During sex]
Me: I know you want me to be “naughty”, but I can barely breathe in this Hamburglar costume.
Best Mother’s Day ever started with my 2.5yo sleeping in till 7:30am and falling asleep at 5:30pm!
364 DAYS: Astrology’s silly and baseless and I’m not a conceited Leo at all
ON MY BIRTHDAY: It’s still baseless but please worship me today
5 year old: Where does wind come from, daddy?
Me: It comes from people asking too many questions.
Me: Do you need a sample?
Nurse: Ma’am we just need to swab your throat
Me: But I gotta pee and I don’t want it to go to waste
3rd eye: youre on drugs
4th eye: youre a nerd
5th-7th eyes: ???
8th eye: you are now a spider
9th eye: spider on drugs
16th eye: nerd spider
I built a tricycle pram tonight
*adds bike mechanic to the resume*
Nothing inspires me more to get up every morning than my full bladder.
the new ghostbusters r all womans?? seriuosoly. all womans?, this is the most unrealistic thing about the movie about peopel who bust ghosts
Back from my bike ride and I feel fit as a fiddle … the fiddle, ya know, that most athletic of instruments…